


He Should Have Saved Him

by squidling



Series: He Should Have Saved Him Collection [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Death, Depression, Guns, Hatred, M/M, Shooting, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide mention, sorry im always killing people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-07-27 05:31:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7605484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidling/pseuds/squidling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jihoon is miserable and bitter after his boyfriend's death. Jeonghan hopes Seungcheol can change that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Incident

A gunshot. It was unmistakable, especially in this situation. The sound was near. The sound of a bullet resonated through the air. Jihoon screamed. Soonyoung screamed. This was the worst case of wrong place, wrong time Jihoon could ever imagine; a shooting. Jihoon and Soonyoung were just walking through the streets together when they heard the first gun and the first cries and the first yells and the first death.

They knew the shooter was near. Jihoon had a dreaded feeling it was aimed at them. He wrapped his arm protectively around his boyfriend’s back.

He should have jumped in front of him.  
He should have pulled him back.  
He should have warned him.

Soonyoung cried out. Jihoon yelled. He screamed. His boyfriend collapsed, weak against Jihoon’s body. The smaller boy’s knees failed to hold him as he panicked. He held his wounded boyfriend to his chest. He removed the hands he loved and loved to hold from Soonyoung’s side, to see what damage had been done. There was blood. A lot of it. 

“Oh my god,” was all Jihoon could blurt out, tears falling rapidly down his cheeks.

“I’m okay,” Soonyoung whispered weakly. “We’re okay. It’s gonna be okay.” He tried to convince the two of them that it was going to be fine. He could hear sirens over the ringing in his ears.

“I’ll get you to the hospital,” Jihoon sobbed, supporting Soonyoung’s back. The wounded boy nodded. Each second, the pain got worse. He couldn’t think of anything but the pain, the bullet that had found its home in his body. Tears slipped from his thin eyes. Jihoon told him over and over it would be okay, everything was going to be alright.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung said feebly. He whimpered. He felt Jihoon’s hand cup his jawline, his soft thumb stroking his cheek. He saw Jihoon’s beautiful, dark brown eyes. He saw the tears that filled over his pupils. He saw the pain that lay deep inside of them. And he saw the white light. 

“Soonyoung! Soonyoung, no! No! You can’t-” Jihoon wept, holding Soonyoung’s limp body to his chest. “You can’t die on me! You can’t! No…”

He should have saved him.


	2. The First Meeting

Jihoon stood out on his apartment’s balcony. It was a freezing December night. He wore a white t-shirt that was much too large and his black skinny jeans. He couldn’t feel his fingers. He was tired beyond belief. The majority of what he did these days was work in his studio. At least it distracted Jihoon from him.

Snow began to fall from the sky. Still, Jihoon didn’t budge. He watched the snowflakes slowly form a blanket across the town. Jihoon’s mind was suddenly taken over with thoughts about him and how he had loved snow. His heart began to sting. He inhaled sharply.

“Fuck.” He muttered. Tears brimmed his eyelids. He blinked furiously and walked back inside.

His home was freezing too. He never turned his heating on. He had also had his balcony doors wide open the whole time. Jihoon made himself a coffee. It wasn’t how he liked it. How he liked it would be the color of _his _eyes. The small boy didn’t want to be reminded of him. He didn’t want to think about him. So he tried to forget about him. He abandoned his coffee.__

__

__“Jihooooon! It’s a nice day, get up! Look at the weather!” His friend Jeonghan pranced about his room, opening up the curtains. Jihoon grunted. He noticed that his long haired friend had kept his hat, scarf and gloves on in his apartment. He wasn’t surprised. The only place colder than Jihoon’s home was Antartica._ _

__“I saw last night,” Jihoon mumbled._ _

__“Were you out on the balcony again?” Jeonghan asked. Jihoon shortly hummed in response. “Please tell me you at least wore a jacket.”_ _

__“No.”_ _

__“You need to. I don’t want you getting sick, okay? You’re in a bad enough state as it is.”_ _

__“Whatever.” A thick sweater was thrown at his face, along with a clean t-shirt and another pair of black skinny jeans._ _

__“Shower. I’m taking you to meet someone.”_ _

__Jihoon groaned, dawdling into the bathroom with his outfit in his hands. He turned on the shower, not bothering to change the temperature up to warm. He left it freezing cold. Everything about Jihoon’s flat was cold. It matched his personality quite well._ _

__He had been sad and constantly on the brink of tears for months after Soonyoung died. He felt full of regret. Had he gone in front of Soonyoung, he would have died and his boyfriend would still be living. A part of Jihoon had known that one of them was going to get shot. He should have pulled Soonyoung back. Pushed him forwards. He could have saved him. He should have saved him._ _

__After more breakdowns in front of his friends than anyone could care to count, Jihoon took all his emotions and locked them up in the back of his brain, and threw away the key. But the door wasn’t secure. The lock was weak. The sad feelings slipped out every once in a while and stabbed at his chest.. What Jihoon didn’t quite realise was that anger was beginning to break out from that door. It was slowly but surely beginning to eat through his brain, with sadness right by its side._ _

__Jihoon let the water trickle down his spine. He lazily washed his hair, which was a light shade of brown. Jeonghan was surprised that Jihoon continued to dye it brown. It was Soonyoung’s favorite hair color on him. Jihoon tried to forget anything that had anything to do with his lover. Except move out of their apartment._ _

__“You ready?” Jeonghan raised an eyebrow at Jihoon’s half assed attempt at looking decent. The younger boy mumbled a grumpy “yes”. Jeonghan took Jihoon’s arm and dragged him outside._ _

__“Get in,” he ordered, opening the passenger side door. Jihoon scrambled into the leather seat of the black range rover. Jeonghan came from a rich family._ _

__“Who is this friend, then?” Jihoon asked in a monotone voice as Jeonghan drove down the street._ _

__“Oh, he’s called Seungcheol,” Jeonghan said._ _

__“And how do you know each other?”_ _

__“Coffee store. He’s started working there. You’ll like him, Hoon. He sings, raps, even produces stuff of his own. You’ll get along. _If _you’re nice to him. Because he treats people based on how they treat him.”___ _

____“So you’re saying if I be myself with him, he’ll be an absolute sarcastic asshole?”_ _ _ _

____“Yes.”_ _ _ _

____“Well, you’re in for quite the exciting day. Better pick up some popcorn.”_ _ _ _

____Jeonghan sighed. “If you try, you could really be good friends with Seungcheol. If you met him before…” he hesitated. He felt Jihoon’s stare burn into his face. “Before Soonyoung died-”_ _ _ _

____“Don’t.” Jihoon snapped._ _ _ _

____“Hoon-”_ _ _ _

____“No. Don’t talk about him.”_ _ _ _

____Jeonghan cursed under his breath. There was no chance Jihoon was going to be kind to Seungcheol now. There was already a slim chance before. He wasn’t the nicest before Soonyoung died, but he was still friendly and likable. Anyone who met Jihoon after he lost his boyfriend would say he’s a cold and bitter person without thinking twice about it. The two soon arrived at Seungcheol’s house._ _ _ _

____“Please, Jihoon,” Jeonghan begged. “Just make an effort for once, okay?” Jihoon grunted once more as his response._ _ _ _

____The pair got out of the car and walked up the front path. Pretty red flowers decorated the side of the stone pathway. Jihoon rolled his eyes. The long haired boy reached his hand out to ring the white door bell to the right of the front door._ _ _ _

____A boy with dark hair, around Jeonghan’s height, opened the door. He had wide brown eyes that made him resemble a beagle. Jihoon couldn’t decide whether he looked friendly or rude and obnoxious._ _ _ _

____“Hey!” Seungcheol greeted cheerfully. Already, Jihoon wanted to punch him. He bit his lip and glared at his feet._ _ _ _

____“Hi Seungcheol!” Jeonghan smiled. “This is Jihoon,” he poked the shorter boy’s back, shoving him forwards._ _ _ _

____“Hi.” Jihoon mumbled. He received another poke._ _ _ _

____Seungcheol welcomed the pair in. They followed him through the hallway, kicking off their shoes, and into his lounge. As the boys entered the living room, a pungent scent of new leather tingled their noses. It soon became apparent that the large, wine red three piece suite Seungcheol had fitted recently was the culprit. Jihoon was the first to perch his rear on the matching red armchair to the far right corner of the room. Once seated, his eyes were immediately drawn to the contrasting crisp white curtains located behind him, slightly to the right of which was a bookshelf. The boy noticed a number of taekwondo trophies scattered on it, as well as on the coffee table in the middle of the room, along with magazines messily cast to one side._ _ _ _

____“Taekwondo.” Jihoon stated._ _ _ _

____“Oh, yeah,” Seungcheol said. “Black belt.”_ _ _ _

____“You should get a case for those.”_ _ _ _

____“I should. They’re special,” Seungcheol agreed. For a reason that wasn’t quite clear, Seungcheol’s attitude pissed Jihoon off. He seemed arrogant and boastful._ _ _ _

____“Yeah. I know.” Jihoon said._ _ _ _

____“Do you even know anything about taekwondo, Jihoon?” Jeonghan asked. Jihoon glared at him. Soonyoung had been a black belt in taekwondo._ _ _ _

____“Him.”_ _ _ _

____“Him?” Jeonghan furrowed his eyebrows, confused. Then he realised. “Oh. Him.” Seungcheol was lost. He had no idea who ‘Him’ was. He brushed it off, and offered his guests drinks. They both declined._ _ _ _

____Jihoon remembered how Soonyoung was always so proud to be a black belt. He remembered how his eyes shone with happiness whenever he moved up a belt. Although Soonyoung had done taekwondo as a kid, he still boasted joyfully over how he was a black belt in the activity as a teenager and a young adult, up until the day he died, when he was just twenty. Jihoon sat completely still with his arms folded. His eyes began to tear up at the memories that had suddenly flooded into his mind._ _ _ _

____“Are you okay, Hoon?” Jeonghan asked softly, briefly glancing at Seungcheol. The long haired adult had been watching Jihoon._ _ _ _

____“Yeah.” He nodded. Jeonghan got up from the red couch and wrapped his thin arms around Jihoon. The hug was briefly returned._ _ _ _

____Jeonghan was annoyed that Jihoon gave cold and bitter responses to Seungcheol. He had seen it coming, but it annoyed him none the less. Jihoon had put zero effort into being kind in the slightest. Jeonghan needed him to get along with Seungcheol. He felt that Seungcheol would be good for Jihoon, a distraction from Soonyoung, and possibly the cause for him to finally get over his dead boyfriend._ _ _ _

____“What did you think of Seungcheol?” Jeonghan asked, pulling up outside Jihoon’s apartment block. Jihoon unplugged his seatbelt, opened the door, and climbed out._ _ _ _

____“I hate him.” Jihoon slammed the car door and walked inside._ _ _ _


	3. Coffee Shops and Bookstores

“Has Jihoon always been so sour?”

Seungcheol and Jeonghan stood behind the coffee shop’s counter. There had been a lot of snow, and so no one was in the store except for the two workers.

“Nah,” Jeonghan shook his head. “He’s never been really kind, like Joshua. He’s certainly been a lot more sweet and caring though.”

“Why is he now?” Seungcheol asked curiously, watching more snow fall.

“Oh, something happened a couple years ago. I won’t say what. I want him to eventually open up to you.” Jeonghan sighed. “I can’t see it happening when he’s so rude, but…”

“Needs someone new in his life?”

“Yeah. Healthy for him. I’m the only one who really talks to him now. He doesn’t like company anymore and he shut our friends out. He’s usually at his studio, anyways. I just force my way into him. You know, make sure he’s okay and eating and staying hydrated.”

To the co-workers’ surprise, the store door opened. A small boy with brown hair walked through, a resting glare settled on his face. He wore a black, short sleeved button up shirt with his usual black skinny jeans. The outfit was completed with boots that were the same color as the rest of his clothing.

“Hey Jihoon!” Jeonghan greeted. “What d’ya want?” Jihoon mumbled for a take out hot chocolate, which caused Jeonghan to smirk.

“Is the cold finally getting to you?” Jeonghan said as he took the money from his friend’s hand and began to make the hot drink.

“No.” Jihoon grumbled. “I don’t feel anything.” Seungcheol leaned over the counter to peer at his arms.

“You have goosebumps,” He observed.

“Shut up.” Jihoon said.

“Hoon, be nice,” Jeonghan told him motherly. He quickly finished the hot chocolate, popping the lid on the cup with expertise.

“Thanks.” Jihoon muttered, and made out to leave the store.

“Oh, Hoon!” Jeonghan called out. Jihoon paused and raised an eyebrow. “Hang on a sec.”

The barista disappeared round the back of the store. The small boy huffed, taking a sip from his drink. When Jeonghan reappeared, he was holding his warm, thick jacket in his hands.

“Here.” He held it out. Jihoon sighed and took it. He slipped his skinny arms through the sleeves, and silently left the store with his drink in his hand.

The short boy stalked down the road. His shoes left footprints in the thick layers of snow. The street was quiet. Most stores were open but barely any shoppers were around. Jihoon guessed everyone was at home, feet up on the couch with a blanket and hot chocolate whilst the kids had snowball fights and built snowmen in their gardens. He could remember doing those activities with Soonyoung.

_Soonyoung suddenly felt something cold on his back. It had hit harshly. He turned round to see his boyfriend stood smirking._

_“I see how it is.” Soonyoung bent down, gathering up snow in his gloved hands._

_“Shit,” Jihoon laughed, and began making another snowball for defense. As Soonyoung’s snowball crashed into Jihoon’s leg, he threw his and hit Soonyoung’s stomach. His eyes widened when Soonyoung winced._

_“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Soonyoung insisted shortly after. Jihoon nodded._

_The fight continued. Thirty minutes later the two of them had tackled each other to the ground and now lay in each other’s arms in the snow. Soonyoung laced their fingers together. His eyes locked with his boyfriends and the two smiled at each other._

_“You need your hat,” Soonyoung said softly, looking round for Jihoon’s red pompom hat._

_“It’s okay. I have you to keep me warm.” Jihoon nuzzled his head into Soonyoung’s chest. He felt a wooly material being slipped over his hair. A pair of soft lips gently kissed his nose._

_“I love you, Hoon,” Soonyoung smiled._

_“I love you more.”_

_“I love you most.”_

_“Impossible.” ___

__Jihoon scowled when he felt himself beginning to cry. He used the sleeves of Jeonghan’s jacket to wipe away the water that had fallen from his eyes. He kicked a dent in the snow with the tip of his boot._ _

__He wandered into a store where he knew he would get peace and quiet. A bookstore. He mumbled a greeting to Joshua, Jeonghan’s boyfriend, who worked there. He adored reading as much as he adored Jeonghan, and so he absolutely loved his job, surrounded by books._ _

__“You okay?” Joshua asked kindly. Jihoon nodded and said something about just wanting somewhere quiet. He grabbed a random book and cosied himself up in a black leather couch. He opened up the cover and sat staring at the page with his hot chocolate in the other hand. Turns out he had selected a book that contained nothing but deep poems on each page. Jihoon puffed out his cheeks, raised his eyebrows and exhaled air heavily through his nose. Joshua came and sat beside him and chuckled at what he was reading._ _

__“What?” Jihoon asked._ _

__“That’s not quite what I’d expect you to read, that’s all,” Joshua commented with a small smile._ _

__“Yeah, well, I need an excuse to sit in here.” Jihoon gulped down more of his hot drink._ _

__“You don’t need an excuse.” Joshua told him. “You’re welcome in here anytime, Jihoon. Book or not. You’re a friend,”_ _

__“Thanks.” Jihoon said. Joshua smiled once more. The two sat in silence. The taller boy watched Jihoon flick through the pages, occasionally pausing on a poem he thought might be good. Joshua noticed that he was wearing his boyfriend’s jacket. He tugged lightly on the sleeve, which was rolled up as it was way too big for Jihoon’s tiny frame. The boy lifted an eyebrow._ _

__“Where did you get Jeonghan’s jacket?” Joshua asked._ _

__“Coffee shop. He gave it to me.”_ _

__“Bless. He really cares about you, Hoon.”_ _

__“Mhm.”_ _

__Joshua smiled and ruffled Jihoon’s hair, before standing up and returning to his spot behind the counter._ _

__Jihoon finished his hot chocolate but continued to read. Joshua’s co-worker and Jihoon’s old friend Wonwoo came and took the empty cup for him, out of pure kindness. Wonwoo was one of the friends Jihoon shut out when Soonyoung passed._ _

__The miserable young adult had fallen asleep curled up on the couch. Joshua noticed, so he picked him up bridal style at the end of his shift and walked down to the coffee store where Jeonghan was still working._ _

__“Jeonghan babe, could I have the spare keys to Jihoon’s place?” Joshua asked, slipping carefully through the door._ _

__“What?” Jeonghan looked away from Seungcheol. He was surprised to hear Joshua’s voice, but he was pleased to hear it. He spied Jihoon fast asleep in Joshua’s arms. “Oh, yeah, sure.”_ _

__“Cute,” Seungcheol stated. Jeonghan took a metal key from his pocket and handed it to his beloved boyfriend._ _

__“Thanks, Han,” Joshua beamed. “I’ll pick you up after your shift yeah?”_ _

__“Yeah,” Jeonghan returned the grin and leaned over the counter to kiss Joshua. Had Jihoon been awake, his heart would have hurt. He and Soonyoung were once like that. After all, Soonyoung had worked at this coffee store._ _

__Joshua walked down to the car park, carrying Jihoon securely. He somehow managed to open the car door and gently settle Jihoon in the seat. He strapped the sleeping boy in before shutting the door and climbing into the driver’s seat. Joshua drove gently due to both the snow and the fact that he had a sleepy Jihoon beside him._ _

__With great difficulty, Joshua managed to get Jihoon in sleepwear and into his bed. He shivered at how cold the apartment was. But for some odd reason, that was how Jihoon liked it, so Joshua didn’t even think about turning the heating on. It would cost him his life. So Joshua left his friend safe and sound in his bed before heading to the nearby church._ _

__He walked through the silent graveyard that was thickly covered in a pristine white blanket. He looked round for the one gravestone that he liked to visit regularly, sometimes with Jeonghan, sometimes without. Eventually his eyes settled on one that looked a little bit newer than the rest. Joshua walked over and knelt down just by it._ _

__“Hey Soonyoung,” He said softly. He smiled sadly. “Jihoon really misses you. I know I say this every time I see you but...he’s just a mess without you. He can barely look after himself. He needs you. He’s nowhere near the same anymore. He’s so...rude and miserable and bitter. I don’t know the last time I saw him laugh or smile. Must have been before you died. I really want him to be happy. Jeonghan’s made him meet his new co-worker Seungcheol, but apparently Jihoon said he hates him. He seems to hate everything nowadays. Except music. And the cold. Your apartment’s freezing. I’m surprised he hasn’t gotten a really bad illness or something yet. Leave him to dress himself and the warmest thing he’ll wear is his darn black skinny jeans. I miss you too Soonyoung,” A tear fell. Joshua sniffed._ _

__“So much.” He wiped his cheek. “I wish you were still here. The world’s so cruel. I’m so sorry you had to go like that. And so young. You would have been twenty-three in six months. Life would be so much nicer with you here again. Jihoon would be happier. It’d be much more fun when we go out with the guys. Dokyeom and Boo need the third member of their comedy group. Everyone needs you.” Joshua sighed. “I love you, brother.”_ _

__Joshua stood up. His jeans were wet from kneeling in the snow but he didn’t care. He checked the time. 3:48. Jeonghan would finish work in just over ten minutes. So he drove back down to the town’s car park and waited for him. Soon, he appeared and climbed into the car._ _

__“You okay?” Jeonghan asked as he buckled his seatbelt. He kissed Joshua’s cheek. “You look a bit sadder than you did a while ago.”_ _

__“Yeah, I just went to see Soonyoung,” Joshua said, handing Jeonghan the jacket he had lent Jihoon and starting up the car._ _

__“Ah. I miss him.”_ _

__“Yeah. Me too.”_ _


	4. "Double Date"

“I think Jihoon has depression.”

Joshua sat by Soonyoung’s grave for the second time that week on his own. Jeonghan had gone with him, but Jeonghan’s dad had died when he was about fifteen, so he had gone to visit him after Soonyoung as they were buried at the same church. Joshua only spoke to Soonyoung on his own but he knew Jeonghan was too far to hear him. He spoke very softly anyways.

“He’s so sad and lonely and angry. He just seems to want the relief of ending it all. It’s like his life is dangling by a thread and he just wants comfort from you but you’re dead. He doesn’t care if that thread snaps. He’s so careless over his health and his safety. But I don't want him to get diagnosed because he’ll be given pills, and who knows, maybe he’ll overdose on them.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m so, so worried about him. But he’s built walls around himself with a locked door that he only lets Jeonghan through. I don’t know how I can get him to open that door for me.” 

Jeonghan walked back over and sat next to his boyfriend. The two stared at the tombstone together for a few minutes. Joshua read the engravings for the millionth time.

In memory of Kwon “Hoshi” Soonyoung  
Born June 15, 1996  
Died August 14, 2016  
A great son, brother, lover and friend  
May he rest in peace

Joshua rested his head on Jeonghan’s shoulder and sighed sadly. Jeonghan gently rubbed his hand up and down his back.

“I don’t think Jihoon’s been here since the funeral.” Joshua said.

“I don’t think so either,” Jeonghan replied. He remembered how Jihoon had been silent throughout the entire service apart from the speech he made. He had begun crying in the middle, but smoothly carried on. Jeonghan had seen him break down after the funeral had ended, just sat in the grass next to where Soonyoung had just been buried. He had just cried and cried and cried for at least half an hour, whispering that he should have saved him.

Joshua and Jeonghan were right. Jihoon hadn’t been to Soonyoung’s grave since the funeral. He didn’t want to face the harsh truth again, although he faced it everyday when he didn’t come home or wake up to Soonyoung’s dorky, smiling face. Jihoon could remember his funeral like it was yesterday. Every detail and every person who came. He still had his speech memorised word for word.

_”I can remember the day Soonyoung and I met as well as I can remember my name. We were paired up in our first year of school, and we were best friends from that point onwards. He made me happy, and he made me laugh until I cried and I felt my sides in agony. We would fall over with laughter over stuff that wasn’t even that funny, but we made each other so happy that we were hyper and giggly in each other’s company. It felt so amazing when the two of us started dating. I was happier with him than I ever would and will be with anyone else. We would have playful snowball fights when it snowed and we would walk down the streets laughing, smiling, and tripping over our own feet racing to get hot chocolate. He’d drag me out of bed on Christmas morning so we could open up our presents together. I’ll never forget the look of excitement that lay embedded in his face as he waited in anticipation for my reaction of what he bought me. Our summers would include cloud gazing in the afternoon until it just became stargazing. We would go on holiday with one of our families and splash each other in the cool swimming pools, and I remember that his eyes would shine brighter than the sun above us. We never failed to make the hot nights even stuffier when we cuddled up as close as we could in our bed. He would always inform me that my body was cold, and I would tell him that his was hot. It made us a perfect match. Together we were the perfect, warm temperature._

_“One of my favorite things about Soonyoung was his laugh. No matter how sad, grumpy or tired I was, just a small giggle from him was enough to put a big smile on my face. Often he would pull me into the centre of the room and teach me a dance he was learning, and our days consisted of dance routines or producing and recording songs together that he would happily choreograph. I’m really going to miss those days. And I’m already missing the nights we would spend cuddled up on our couch, watching a movie together. I’ll miss his laugh erupting beside me from whatever show is on the TV. I miss having someone next to me at night, breathing into my neck. I’ll miss all of Soonyoung. But I’ll never stop loving him. Loving Soonyoung was never an option. It was a necessity.” ___

__

__He could recall beginning to cry in the middle of his speech, but he kept going. He kept talking. He’d spent hours in tears writing his speech. It had to be perfect for Soonyoung. He had bit so hard on his lips when he sat down in the pews so that he didn’t cry, that they ended up bleeding. But he barely noticed. Tears fell when they lowered his coffin into the ground. But the most tears fell after the service._ _

__Jihoon remembered looking at the body that rested in the coffin. He remembered holding the same body in his arms, with blood that wasn’t his all over his t-shirt, and the one he loved most sobbing from excruciating pain right before him. It didn’t seem like the same body. This Soonyoung was ghostly pale and his skin looked like wax. His hands were folded on his stomach. Jihoon knew he would never lie with both hands on his front. He preferred one arm thrown lazily over his stomach and the other on the ground beside him. Jihoon silently fixed his arm’s positions. His body was cold. His body was supposed to be warm. It ruined their perfect temperature. His body wasn’t even meant to be in that spot, lifeless. Jihoon untucked the white shirt from Soonyoung’s black pants. No matter the occasion, Soonyoung would never tuck his shirt in. Then Jihoon slipped a short love letter in his dead boyfriend’s blazer pocket. After making these alterations and whispering an ‘I love you’, he sat down next to Jeonghan._ _

__

__The short brunet was abruptly awakened when he was pushed roughly out of bed._ _

__“Hey!” He snapped, glaring at the man responsible for the end of his slumber._ _

__“It’s 12pm,” Jeonghan said. “You’re coming out for lunch with Joshua and I.”_ _

__“So I can be a third wheel? Thanks!”_ _

__“Oh, no,” Jeonghan shook his head. “Seungcheol’s coming.”_ _

__“Are you setting us up on a double date?!” Jihoon shrieked. “Fuck no! I’m not coming.”_ _

__“Who the hell said it was a double date? It’s not a date for anyone.” Jeonghan began raiding Jihoon’s closet, looking for a nice, warm outfit for his friend to wear. Jihoon muttered a couple of curse words. He snatched his duvet off of the bed and wrapped it around himself as if he was a caterpillar in its cocoon, waiting for its days of true beauty to arrive. In this case, his days of true beauty was just an outfit chosen by Jeonghan._ _

__A red sweater and blue ripped skinny jeans flew through the air and landed on the floor besides him, along with a white t-shirt._ _

__“I’m not coming.” Jihoon said as Jeonghan left the room._ _

__“Yes you are,” Jeonghan called. “I’ll quite literally drag you along if I have to.”_ _

__Jihoon huffed loudly and got dressed. He looked in the mirror after lightly brushing his hair, and checked out his outfit. The red sweater had a yellow smiley face on it that bare sharp teeth. It had a wide grin. Jihoon stared at the sweatshirt. Soonyoung had bought it for him back when they were eighteen. He felt a pain in his chest and proceeded to stomp out of what used to be he and Soonyoung’s bedroom._ _

__He shoved his feet into a bright pair of yellow and red nike trainers. Jeonghan looked him up and down and nodded approvingly. He just restyled Jihoon’s hair a little bit to make it neater. The shorter man scowled at him. Jeonghan just insisted that he needed to look good._ _

__“So it is a date.”_ _

__“No!” Jeonghan exclaimed as they left Jihoon’s apartment. “I want you two to get to know each other better. You’ll like him if you just get to know him, Hoon.”_ _

__“I hate him! You’re setting us up!”_ _

__“I respect that you don’t want to date after Soon - ow!” Jihoon had punched Jeonghan’s arm as hard as he could, which was extremely hard. “You just need to know someone else.”_ _

__“Ugh!” Huffed Jihoon loudly. He slammed Jeonghan’s car door, causing Jeonghan to yell at him to be careful. He said nothing in response.  
Jeonghan was slowly beginning to lose patience with Jihoon. He was nothing but grumpy, bitter and ungrateful. Soonyoung died two and a half years ago now. Everyone had gotten over his death except Jihoon. He couldn’t move on. The reason he was so grumpy and cold and bitter was the fact he didn’t have Soonyoung, and never will have Soonyoung ever again. He didn’t see the possibility that his boyfriend saw. It was likely Jihoon could simply have depression._ _

__He took Jihoon by his arm, ensuring he had a tight grip, and pulled him along through the restaurant. He shoved him into a booth where Joshua and Seungcheol awaited them._ _

__“What’s up, Scrooge?” Seungcheol greeted with a smirk._ _

__“Fuck off,” Jihoon growled. Jeonghan kicked him under the table. Needless to say, he earnt a harsh glare._ _

__Joshua was surprised at Seungcheol’s new nickname for the boy. He had read A Christmas Carol. Scrooge had become cold and bitter after his girlfriend left him because she didn’t love him anymore. Jihoon had become cold and bitter after his boyfriend died. The two were strangely similar. Jeonghan had said he didn’t tell Seungcheol about Soonyoung. He gently nudged him._ _

__“I thought you haven’t told Seungcheol about Hoshi?” Joshua whispered._ _

__“I haven’t,” Jeonghan whispered. “Why?”_ _

__“He called Hoon Scrooge,” Joshua stated. Jeonghan snorted._ _

__“And?”_ _

__“Scrooge and Jihoon are oddly alike. That’s all.” Joshua answered._ _

__“Coincidence,” Jeonghan told him._ _

__“What are you whispering about?” Jihoon sat with his arms folded, leaning against the back of his chair. He had heard his name being mentioned._ _

__“Joshua said you are like Scrooge, that’s all,” The long haired boy said. He felt another kick from Jihoon. His legs would be black and blue by the end of lunch. Jeonghan told Jihoon to ask Seungcheol about himself, which Jihoon grumpily obeyed. He made eye contact with the man opposite him and asked what music he produced._ _

__“Mainly hip hop.” Seungcheol asked. “What about you?”_ _

__“Pop, hip hop and dance.” Jihoon said. Jeonghan and Joshua high fived under the table. Although Jihoon had sounded annoyed, this was the only thing he had said to Seungcheol that wasn’t rude and sarcastic._ _

__A waitress walked over and they ordered their food and drink. Jihoon only ordered water. His two friends tried to get him to order something but he refused. Joshua noted this as another symptom of depression. He bit his lip, looking at his friend with concern. He needed to see a doctor. But what if he did have depression? Joshua was scared he may attempt suicide with the pills he’ll get given. He suddenly felt anxious and worried._ _

__Joshua and Jeonghan watched as Jihoon answered sarcastically the whole time. Joshua tried to offer Jihoon some of his food but he insisted he wasn’t hungry. The worried man pursed his lips anxiously. He told him he needed to eat but Jihoon just shook his head._ _

__Two hours later the couple dropped Jihoon off at his cold apartment. His farewell to Seungcheol had been “bye asshole”, causing Jeonghan to get his own back and kick Jihoon._ _

__Joshua quickly walked into he and Jeonghan’s bedroom when he got home and turned on his laptop. He immediately researched symptoms of depression. He compared them to Jihoon and furrowed his eyebrows worriedly. His boyfriend flopped down lazily on the bed next to him. Joshua didn’t acknowledge his appearance and continued reading. He felt a hand on his knee._ _

__“Are you okay?” Jeonghan asked. “You’ve been a little quiet and looked worried since lunch.”_ _

__“I’m fine,” Joshua told him, resting his hand on top of Jeonghan’s._ _

__“You sure?”_ _

__“Yeah, of course I am. I’d never lie to you.” Joshua flashed him a quick smile. Jeonghan nodded._ _

__“What are you looking at?” Jeonghan asked, curious. He took his hand from Joshua’s leg and propped himself up on his elbows._ _

__“Oh, it doesn’t matter,” Joshua said. “I’ll tell you later. It’s not that important.”_ _

__“Oh okay.” The two were silent for a couple of minutes, Jeonghan rearranged himself so he lay on his front._ _

__“Han?”_ _

__“Hm?”_ _

__“Does Jihoon seem to struggle concentrating at all?”_ _

__“I don’t think so. But he does zone out sometimes,”_ _

___“Ah, right.” Joshua nodded thoughtfully. He grabbed his notebook on his bedside table. It was mostly full of guitar chords or books he wanted to read. He took a pen from a drawer, and began to write down the symptoms Jihoon showed. He counted:_  
\- Loss of interest  
\- Appetite/weight changes  
\- Sleep changes  
\- Anger/irritability  
\- Reckless behavior  
\- Concentration problems 

__He shut down his laptop, gently lifting the top screen down. He carefully set it on the floor and looked over at Jeonghan, who had fallen asleep. Joshua changed into sweatpants and curled up next to Jeonghan until he too slipped into sleep._ _


	5. Pre-Christmas Sickness

Christmas was creeping up. It was already the 23rd. It continued to snow, and Jihoon continued to stand out on his balcony in clothing that certainly would not keep him warm. He would lean against the metal bars, thinking of how he and Soonyoung would have had playful snowball fights every day at this rate.

Jeonghan tip toed into Jihoon’s room, checking up on him as per usual. He wasn’t planning on dragging him out this time. He noticed a door to the balcony wasn’t shut properly. It made the room colder, which he didn’t quite realise was possible. After closing it, he looked over to Jihoon’s bed. He saw that Jihoon must be huddled under the duvet, for there was something under it but he couldn’t actually see the boy himself..

“Hoon?” He asked, prodding the bump.

“I am awake.” Jihoon mumbled. Although his voice was muffled, Jeonghan could tell that he was losing it. His eyes widened.

“Do you feel okay?”

“No would be an understatement. Do not touch the heating.”

“Then I’ll take you to Joshua and I’s. You’ll be sick forever in a freezing cold flat.” Jeonghan realised there was a bucket next to Jihoon’s bed. He suddenly pitied the poor boy. This was the first time he was sick and didn’t have Soonyoung.

“Fine. Can you pack my stuff for me?”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan nodded, and grabbed Jihoon’s red and black backpack from beside the door. He folded and packed multiple sets of warm clothes, and grabbed his toothbrush and deodorant from his bathroom. Once finished, he threw the bag on his back.

By this time, Jihoon’s face had emerged. His hair was a mess and stuck up in all angles. Jeonghan pouted at him. He gave him some plaid pajama pants and a long sleeved, striped shirt. Jihoon slowly sat up and exchanged his t-shirt for the warmer one. It smelt like Soonyoung. He felt a pain in his chest. Jeonghan quietly informed him it was from Soonyoung’s drawer.

Jihoon waddled after Jeonghan to his car, a thick blanket draped around his shoulders. For the first time in three years Jihoon wore a hat, scarf and gloves in the cold. He had felt a twinge of sadness when Jeonghan slipped the hat over his head. It was the red one, with the pompom at the back.

When Joshua saw Jihoon’s state, he immediately started making Jihoon a hot chocolate to warm him up. Jeonghan joked that he was the barista of the two of them, which made Joshua chuckle. 

“Jihoon just refused to let me turn on the heating so I took him here. It’s okay if he stays here until he’s better, right?” Jeonghan set Jihoon down on the couch. Jihoon hadn’t been to their place in months. He noticed that the couple had set framed photos of their friends and families on the white mantle piece above the fireplace. Each photograph displayed an array of joyful faces, some of them repeated throughout. Tears tried to fight their way out the tear ducts. Jeonghan saw Jihoon stare at the picture of he and Soonyoung. The long haired boy took the photo and gently set it in a drawer.

“That’s perfectly fine,” Joshua said. This house was warm. Jihoon liked it. He only kept his flat cold because maybe it would numb him from feeling the pain of Soonyoung’s death.

Jihoon looked round the room. It was a little different than when he had last been here. The white couches had been traded for some softer, cosier cream ones. The three-seater, that Jihoon lay on, faced the fireplace, with a glass-topped wooden coffee table in between. A two-seated couch was to the left of where Jihoon was, with a window seat behind it. Mocha colored cushions were scattered delicately on both sofas. A silver framed mirror was hung neatly above the fireplace. A couple of books were neatly stacked in two corners of the small table, which also had a white pot of white orchids in the centre. He never took much noticed in nature anymore, but this orchid was somehow different. This particular flower meant something to him, something he had yet to pinpoint. The orchid was graceful, soft, pure and gentle. The orchid was in his eyes so beautiful it was captivating, so alive it seemed immortal. Then it struck him. This orchid reminded him of his beloved Soonyoung. The boy cast his eyes ti another small table was a little way to Jihoon’s right. The TV stood on top of it. A DVD player sat neatly in a shelf below. The winter sun shone in through both the window seat and the long window to the left and the right of the fireplace. A beautifully decorated Christmas tree stood in the far corner to his right. Wrapped chocolates were hung on the branches with gold string, and peppermint candy caned looped round other branches. An angel stood at the top.

Joshua suddenly clapped with excitement.

“What?” Jeonghan asked, smiling at how adorable his boyfriend was. He walked into the dining room that was connected to the living room by a double door frame. He opened the two seemingly cabinet doors on the wall that actually looked into the kitchen. He grinned as Joshua looked at him, his eyes shining brightly.

“Jihoon will probably be here in two days, right?”

“Yeah.”

“He’ll have Christmas with us! And not on his own!” Joshua beamed. Jeonghan smiled too.

“Oh fuck.” Jihoon muttered. He didn’t celebrate Christmas since Soonyoung died.

“I’ll pick up your presents from your apartment later, Hoon,” Jeonghan said. “Where are they?”

“Where we used to have the Christmas tree each year.” Jeonghan took a mental note. The corner of the living room by the window. He knew Jihoon wouldn’t have bought anyone else anything. As Seungcheol had called him, Jihoon was Scrooge.

“Are you excited for Christmas, Hoon?” Joshua asked enthusiastically. He handed Jihoon the mug of hot chocolate.

“No.” Jihoon took a sip.

“How come?” Joshua questioned.

“I don’t celebrate Christmas.”

“Oh,” Joshua was taken aback. “You used to.”

“Not anymore.”

Joshua noticed he was showing the lack of interest symptom of depression once again. But then it could just be because he was still mourning Soonyoung. He brushed the thoughts from his head. Jeonghan shrugged when Joshua looked over at him. Joshua offered the sick boy some soup, to which he agreed. This pleased him. He wasn’t sure of the last time he had seen him consume any food, apart from the marshmallows he had just sprinkled on top of his hot chocolate.

Jeonghan still stood by the cabinet doors. He watched Jihoon drink the hot liquid that was steaming from his cup. He wondered what Christmas with Jihoon would be like now. It was fun and bubbly on Christmas day with he and Soonyoung. But he had spent the last two years alone on the 25th, and he said he no longer celebrated the occasion.

He walked into the kitchen and pulled out some newspaper and a box of matches. Then he returned to the living room so he could light the fire. Jihoon watched as the flames were born and began to eat up the firewood. Jeonghan walked away and removed a box from a cupboard in the dining room. It contained Christmas decorations. The couple hadn’t quite finished looping tinsel over photo frames throughout the house.

“We have some people coming over on Christmas day,” Joshua informed Jihoon with a smile, holding a tray with a bowl of soup in his hands. He gently set it on Jihoon’s lap, taking his drink and setting it on the tray too..

“Does it include Seungcheol?” Joshua hushed him by slipping a spoonful of soup in his mouth.

“You’re losing your voice,” Joshua said. “No, Seungcheol is not coming. Just Dokyeom, Chan, Mingyu and Wonwoo.”

Jihoon sighed. He hadn’t spoken to any of them since Soonyoung’s funeral. He hadn’t even seen Chan since then. He had seen Mingyu when he walked into the coffee store, which was usually only when Jeonghan was working, and Dokyeom and Wonwoo worked at the bookstore with Joshua. He rarely saw them and never spoke to them.

Jihoon dreaded Christmas more than ever this year.


	6. Christmas Day

Jihoon woke up to the faint sound of jolly Christmas music playing downstairs and Joshua and Jeonghan singing along to every word. He groaned. His head was killing him and his throat hurt like hell. His plan consisted of simply sleeping all day to avoid people and the highest of the festive spirit. 

He attempted to carry out this plan until it reached about 12pm. He could hear everyone’s voices downstairs. He lay watching small snowflakes slip from the clouds in the sky and rest on the ground. Years ago he would have woken up to Soonyoung jumping up and down, yelling that it was Christmas and not only that, it was a white Christmas too.

When the couple had first moved in together when they were just eighteen, they still kept hanging their stockings at the fireplace. Jihoon would wait for Soonyoung to fall asleep before filling his, and Soonyoung would set an alarm, that Jihoon never failed to sleep through, so that he could fill Jihoon’s.

Jihoon adored decorating the tree with his lover. He suddenly remembered when he got tangled up in fairy lights and tinsel, and the two spent an hour trying to unwind the decorations from his body. They didn’t stop giggling the whole time, or the ten minutes after that. He remembered Soonyoung putting the star up on top of the tree and stating that star in Japanese was ‘hoshi’. From then on Jihoon occasionally nicknamed him Hoshi, and Soonyoung called him Woozi.

The grumpy boy sighed and changed into the outfit Joshua had placed on the soft seat at the foot of his bed. He pulled on the black pants and buttoned up his white shirt. Then he threw on the black and white spotty sweater, unfolding his collar over it. He brushed through his brown hair before parting it to the side and letting it fall messily.

He left his room as quiet as possible, as not to hurt his head. His small legs slowly carried him down the carpeted stairs, the voices getting louder. For the first time in two and a half years, he heard Chan. He slipped into the kitchen, looking for painkillers.

“Jihoon!” Joshua exclaimed upon hearing cupboards open and close the tap being turned on. Jihoon gulped down the pills and joined the group in the living room. He sat down on the carpet near Chan. There wasn’t any room on the sofas, so Chan and Jihoon seated themselves on the floor.

“You look nice,” Jeonghan complimented. Jihoon mumbled a thanks.

“Merry Christmas, Jihoon!” Chan said excitedly. The sick boy grunted.

“He doesn’t celebrate Christmas anymore,” Joshua explained.

“Oh,” Chan said. “After Soo-”

“Your presents are under the tree, Hoon,” Jeonghan cut the youngest boy off before he could say Soonyoung’s name. Jihoon looked at Chan, then Jeonghan, then he nodded, drinking more water.

Wrapping paper was scattered everywhere, with people’s gifts in neat piles on the floor. Christmas lights flashed as they hung safely round the fire place. A photograph was still missing from the mantlepiece. Tinsel looped behind the ones that remained in place. He remembered how his apartment used to be decorated similarly. He and Soonyoung would wrap lights and tinsel round nearly everything. Festive paper would be all over the floor, and they would spend the evening playing monopoly wearing Santa hats. Jihoon would do anything to spend Christmas with Soonyoung again. He would do anything to spend any day with Soonyoung again.

He realized a tear had escaped his eye when Joshua came to sit next to him and rub his back. Joshua understood Christmas was a hard time for him, and it had become blinding obvious it was difficult for him when Jihoon had said he didn’t celebrate it. His heart broke when he pictured Jihoon on his own. No one should be on their own at Christmas.

“I’m not sad.” Jihoon lied. His voice was quiet and hoarse. “My head just hurts.” Joshua nodded and stroked the back of Jihoon’s head. He was reminded of how Soonyoung used to stroke his hair when he was sad, stressed or ill. He missed the feel of Soonyoung’s fingers in his hair.

Mingyu felt sorry for him. He would be the same way if he were to lose his boyfriend, Wonwoo. He could tell that Jihoon didn’t want to be there with them. He just wanted to be on his own.

Jihoon remained silent for most of the day. The exceptions were when someone said something directly to him, and he would give a short response. He ate very little for Christmas lunch, and Joshua wasn’t sure if it was because he felt ill or a symptom of depression, or both. Dokyeom constantly made jokes, coming up with puns that were much better than the ones they got in their Christmas crackers. Jihoon wanted to slap him, but he restrained. 

“Come on, Hoon,” Jeonghan held out an arm as the group, apart from Jihoon, gathered round the monopoly board. Chan sat a little out of the circle as he was the banker. Jihoon shook his head, which was a bad idea. His head felt foggy and he felt lightheaded when he stood up. He had an awful headache. He couldn’t wait to go back to bed. Jihoon curled up on the window seat instead, and had to try very hard not to fall asleep.

He failed to stay awake, and by 9pm he was fast asleep and lightly snoring. When Joshua realised, he carried him upstairs into the guest bedroom. He managed to change Jihoon into his pajamas before tucking him into bed. Jihoon was dreaming of Christmas with Soonyoung. He dreamt of the snowball fight they would have had after opening presents. He dreamt of the Christmas lunch they would have shared. He dreamt of the evening games they would have played. He dreamt of happily climbing into bed with the one he loved most.

“Bless him,” Jeonghan said when Joshua sat back down in the living room. “Today must have been hell for him.”

“Most likely,” Joshua sighed. “I’m glad he wasn’t alone, though. I don’t want him wallowing in his own sadness on Christmas day.”

“I suppose being ill distracted him from being sad, maybe,” Dokyeom piped up.

“I don’t know. He did cry a little bit earlier.” Joshua held his head in his hands.

“He’ll be fine,” Jeonghan rested his hand on Joshua’s knee. “We just gotta be there for him. Distract him. Or even get him to Soonyoung’s grave,” Joshua nodded and faked a smile. He was thinking about the depression side of Jihoon.

 

Jihoon woke up sobbing. It was still dark out as it was only 3am. He felt like it was physically impossible to stop the tears’ heavy flow. He missed Soonyoung so, so much. He wished more than anything that he could have spent today happy and laughing in his lover’s arms. All Jihoon wanted at that moment was Soonyoung. If only he could see his face all dorky and smiley. And not just in a photo.

The bedroom door opened, and he felt two pairs of arms wrap around his small, skinny body. Jihoon changed positions so he was sobbing into Jeonghan’s chest.

“It’s okay,” Jeonghan whispered to him. “It’s okay.”

“It isn’t,” Jihoon’s heart hurt for two reasons. He had whispered those words to Soonyoung as he bled out in Jihoon’s arms, up until his heart stopped. And nothing was fine when he didn’t have the one he adored. “It's never going to be okay. Nothing’s okay when I don’t have him.”

“Oh, Hoon,” Jeonghan gently ran his palm up and down the small boy’s back. Neither Jeonghan nor Joshua knew what to say to make him feel better. They didn’t think there _was _anything. They just let his waterworks overflow.__

__“I really, really miss him.”_ _

__“We know,” Joshua said softly. He took hold of Jihoon’s hand. “We all do.”_ _

__“I miss him so, so much.”_ _


	7. Late Present Opening and New Year's

Jihoon woke up at 10 on the morning after Christmas day. He could hear music playing downstairs again and Joshua teaching Jeonghan guitar. His unopened presents sat at the end of the bed. He pulled them closer to him to that he could unwrap them.

He opened the card that was taped on top of a box first. By the neat handwriting he knew it was from Joshua. A cute, cream pug was on the front of the card wearing a Santa Claus hat. It reminded Jihoon of a card Soonyoung had once got him when they were kids. After placing the card on his bedside table, he carefully unwrapped the box. After taking the lid off, he saw that a little cactus sat inside. Joshua had ensured that you could take it in out without pricking yourself by putting it in a box that was much bigger than the actual cactus. Jihoon put it on the corner of his bedside table, behind the card. He liked it.

He received a black, denim jacket and a plain, baby pink sweater from Jeonghan, as well as two t-shirts. From Dokyeom he got two albums; Blink-182’s California and The Most Beautiful Moment In Life: Young Forever by BTS. Wonwoo had bought him the poetry book he read in the bookstore a few weeks prior whilst Mingyu gave him a pair of dark blue sneakers. Seungkwan bought him a camera as he knew Jihoon used to love photography. Chan gave him a sketchbook and art supplies. 

Jihoon took the camera from its box, set it up, and took a photo of his bedside table. It looked quite artsy - a white table with a beautiful, green cactus, a white lamp just behind it, and cute Christmas cards surrounding it. He admired the photo before setting the camera on the desk and curling under his duvet once more.

Joshua walked in at lunch time, balancing a tray in one hand so he could open the door. Jihoon peaked at him from his duvet burrito.

“Hey, Hoon,” He greeted softly, placing the tray on the end of the bed.

"Thanks for the cactus,” Jihoon said quietly, sitting up. Joshua smiled.

“You’re welcome,” he said. “I thought it’d be nice for you to have something to look after. Then if you forget about it for a while it won’t die.” Jihoon nodded and pulled the tray closer to him. He took a small bite out of the chicken burger.

“How are you feeling?” Joshua asked. Jihoon swallowed his food. He suddenly remembered last night, crying in Jeonghan’s arms.

“Physical or emotional?”

“Both, I guess.”

“Physically, a bit better.”

“That’s good,” Joshua perched on the end of the bed.

“Mentally...same as always.” Joshua’s arms snaked round the ill boy’s body.

“It’ll get better, Hoon,” he said softly.

"I want to believe that,” Jihoon said, “but I just can’t see it happening. It’s been two and a half years. Nothing’s gotten better.”

“It’ll all be better one day. I promise.”

 

Jihoon was no longer ill by Joshua’s birthday. He spent the day before walking around the house and taking pictures. He managed to capture the orchid on the coffee table as it stood still in all its immorality. He captured the couple’s garden - the large outstretch of grass hidden under a soft blanket of snow, and a snowman in the far corner. Jihoon fell as he walked up the patio steps which lead onto the grass. There was apparently ice under the snow, as Jihoon discovered. Jeonghan had ran out to help him up.

To Jihoon’s relief, Joshua wanted a quiet birthday at home. That meant Jihoon could just sit or nap on the window seat all day and watch as he blew out the candles on his birthday cake. It was Joshua’s twenty-third, so the only candles on his cake were a 2 and a 3, for fire safety purposes. Jihoon only had a small slice. Cake was lovely and sweet like Soonyoung. Soonyoung adored cake.

 

He cried on New Year’s. He watched Jeonghan and Joshua count down to midnight and hug and kiss as it became 2019. They held each other in each other’s arms and wished each other happy new year. Just how Jihoon and Soonyoung used to. He stared at the wall in front of him, thinking of past memories. The boy left the room, muttering goodnight to the happy couple, as tears fell. Jihoon curled up under his duvet, pressing a pillow to his face and allowed himself to sob into it. 2019 would just be a repeat of 2018. Another year without Soonyoung. Another year of sorrow, misery, cold apartments, and inappropriately beautiful weather. Summer was happy. The complete opposite of Jihoon.

If only Soonyoung was still alive with him, Jihoon would take him down to Busan, and they would walk along the beach and dip their toes in the cool water. He would buy them both ice creams and he would laugh when Soonyoung got some on his nose. They would shove each other into the ocean, still wearing their shorts and t-shirts, laughing until their sides hurt. Then Jihoon would take him out the water. He would get down on one knee. And he would ask Soonyoung to marry him.

They would have their wedding wherever Soonyoung wanted. They’d move out of their flat and live in a three bedroomed house, near where Jeonghan and Joshua lived. The two of them would stay as just a married for a year or two, and then they would adopt a two or three children, a boy and a girl or a boy and two girls. Just how Soonyoung wanted.

His bawling got louder as he cried harder. It soon attracted Jeonghan, who dug Jihoon out from the sheets and held him close again. The crying boy couldn’t stop thinking about what he and Soonyoung could have been.

 

Joshua sat once more at his dead friend’s grave. All snow had melted so he sat cross legged by the tombstone.

“Jihoon’s getting worse,” Joshua whispered. “He’s breaking down every few days. He was ill over Christmas so he stayed with Jeonghan and I. Still is. He saw Chan and Dokyeom and Mingyu and Wonwoo. But he wasn’t talkative. He barely spoke. Jeonghan and I woke up in the middle of the night because he was sobbing so loud. He told us he really misses you. And he said that nothing’s okay because he doesn’t have you. I wish he had you. I wish you were still alive. You didn’t deserve to leave us so young.” Joshua sniffed.

"I don’t think Seungcheol can help him. Jihoon despises him. I don’t think Seungcheol’s all that keen on him either, but I’m not really surprised. Jihoon’s not nice anymore. All I want is for him to be happy. He’s the definition of unhappy, Soonyoung. Heck, he doesn’t celebrate Christmas anymore because it reminds him too much of you. He needs you more than anything. I can’t see him getting over you. It breaks my heart. I’m so worried about him.” Joshua broke down, weeping over Soonyoung’s grave.

Joshua expressed his concerns of Jihoon’s possibility of having depression to Jeonghan that night. Jeonghan frowned and wrapped his arm around his boyfriend. 

“Get him checked out then, babe,” Jeonghan said. “I think it may just be the depression stage of the five stages of grieving-”

"I can’t get him checked out.”

“Why not? They’ll give him pills-”

“That’s the problem.” Joshua looked into Jeonghan’s eyes as if he were a lost puppy. “What if he attempts suicide?”

“He hasn’t done so before.”

“But he’s so reckless,” Joshua pointed out. “He doesn’t care if he gets hurt or killed. He crosses the road without looking and his flat’s freezing cold, as if he hopes to get so ill it kills him. It’s like he has a death wish.”

“We’ll just...force him to hang out with Seungcheol. Distract him. He’s more angry than sad with Seungcheol,” Jeonghan suggested.

“But men are more angry when they have depression.”

“You’ve really done your research haven’t you, babe?” Jeonghan was impressed. 

“Of course. It’s what I was looking so worried about a few weeks ago.”

Jeonghan sighed. “Come on, go to sleep. You have work early tomorrow.”

“It’s only a bookst-”

“Shhh,” Jeonghan ran his fingers through Joshua’s hair. “Sleep.” Joshua sighed, burying his face in Jeonghan’s chest.

“I love you, Hannie.”

“I love you too, Josh.”

Jihoon lay awake in the room next door. He couldn’t sleep. He remembered the sleepless nights where he would stare at his gorgeous boyfriend, admiring him in all his beauty as the moonlight shone through the gap in the curtains and perfectly streaking onto his face. Jihoon squeezed his eyes shut. He saw Soonyoung. But he wasn’t going to cry. Eventually, he fell asleep.


	8. The Accident

“So why the hell do you think _I _, of all people, can help Jihoon?” Seungcheol asked. Joshua stood staring at him. They were seated in Seungcheol’s red living room.__

__“Jeonghan said you have similar interests. A-and you’re a distraction to him.”_ _

__“He hates me.”_ _

__“Do you hate him?”_ _

__“I certainly dislike Jihoon, yes.”_ _

__Joshua’s eyes filled with tears, which he rapidly attempted to blink away. “Please be the nicest you can to him, Cheol,” he said softly. “He needs it. Badly.”_ _

__Upon seeing the state Joshua was suddenly in, Seungcheol sighed and nodded._ _

__“Fine. I’ll help him be happy.”_ _

__“Preferably without Jeonghan and I,” Joshua added hesitantly. “Otherwise he’ll avoid you.”_ _

__“Yeah. Sure.” Seungcheol said. He wasn’t sure if he had the patience._ _

__“I think- I think he might have depression,” Joshua told the older boy. “He shows most of the symptoms. I’m scared if he gets antidepressants he’ll overdose.” Seungcheol was beginning to realise just how serious Jihoon’s situation was. He hadn’t really given it much thought, given that he didn’t know why he was how he was._ _

__“Get him checked. Make him move in with you or something.”_ _

__“He wants to stay in that apartment,” Joshua said. “I’ve suggested it before.”_ _

__“Get him checked and just often check up on him then. You can phone him at work,” Seungcheol suggested. Joshua nodded thoughtfully._ _

__

__Jeonghan was pleased to hear that Seungcheol had agreed to help them with Jihoon. Jeonghan and Joshua couldn’t look after the boy forever. He needed someone else. The last time he met someone knew was seven years ago when Joshua moved to Korea from America. Jihoon had grown up with Soonyoung, Jeonghan, Mingyu, Wonwoo, Dokyeom and Seungkwan._ _

__Jihoon had gone back to his apartment. Joshua wasn’t sure about letting him back on his own, but Jeonghan insisted he would be fine. Jihoon began spending all of his time in the studio again, which was originally a spare room in the flat._ _

__Joshua was worried about him beyond belief. He occasionally visited Soonyoung and ranted to him about Jihoon’s condition, and all his concerns about the boy. He was right to be concerned._ _

__Jihoon felt as though his life was spiralling down a deep, dark hole. He wanted to be loved, like how Joshua was loved by Jeonghan and Jeonghan was loved by Joshua. The only person he wanted the affection from was Soonyoung. He knew only too well that Soonyoung was dead. He was extremely depressed and Joshua was the only one who noticed. Jihoon strongly believed he couldn’t get better. He wasn’t sure if he could feel any worse._ _

__Everyday felt the same - wake up at 12, go into the studio, refuse food from Jeonghan as he checked up on him, and go to sleep at 4am. He felt nothing but sadness and often anger and irritation. His heart was ripped up and Soonyoung was the only surgeon who could sew it back together. But that surgeon was nowhere to be found._ _

__He felt more and more tired each day. And it wasn’t only physically. He was more tired of his repeated cycle of living. He was tired of the frequent check ups with Jeonghan. He was tired of Joshua calling him each night. He was tired of everything. He was tired of his life._ _

__He looked out over the city one night, when it was peaceful at 2am. He saw cars. And then he had an idea. It was simple. It was the solution._ _

__When Jihoon woke up, again at midday, he changed into his sweatpants and a t-shirt. He climbed into his car, which was a small Ford, and set off down the road._ _

__Jihoon wasn’t entirely sure of where to go. But that was okay. He didn’t need a particular place. He found himself at the end of a road that led onto one main road. He decided it was perfect._ _

__He looked to his right. He saw a car. He waited. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1._ _

__And as the car drew closer, and his heart beat rapidly, he drove out into the road._ _


	9. Jisoo the Cactus

“Josh, we need to go. Jihoon’s in hospital.” Jeonghan threw on a jacket and shoved his feet into a pair of trainers. Joshua’s eyes widened.

“What happened?” Josh asked.

“Car accident,” Jeonghan briefly explained, pulling the front door open. “They nearly lost him. Blood loss.” The two stepped out into the cold, late January air. A million thoughts ran through Joshua’s head. He felt dizzy. All he could think of was Jihoon’s body, almost lifeless in a plain hospital bed.

“Hey,” Jeonghan said softly, taking a hand off the steering wheel so he could rest his hand on Joshua’s knee. He noticed Joshua had gone pale and was barely blinking. “He’ll be okay.” Joshua nodded, unconvinced.

Joshua was relieved to find that Jihoon wasn’t in as bad as a condition as he had dreaded. He was awake and sitting up, a cast on his right wrist and a long cut starting from the edge of his left eyebrow and leaning half way down his cheek. A bandage was wrapped around his head.

“Hiya, Hoon,” Jeonghan leaned in for a hug. Jihoon returned the embrace, being extremely gentle.

“Careful,” he said. “Broken ribs and a cut side.”

“Are you okay?” Joshua bit his lip.

“I suppose,” Jihoon told him.

“What happened, exactly?” Jeonghan asked. Jihoon told him that he hadn’t seen a car coming when he pulled out. He didn’t tell them the truth. Joshua wondered where he had been going, however he had an idea of Jihoon’s intentions, so he didn’t ask. But could he be right? He knew he could be, but he couldn’t be sure.

“Don’t scare us like that again, okay?” Joshua said, gently wrapping his arm around Jihoon.

“I’m fairly sure Joshua nearly had a panic attack,” Jeonghan commented.

“Sorry,” Jihoon apologised. With help from Joshua, he carefully lay back down as his ribs ached. It hurt him to breathe, despite the painkillers he had been given.

“You’re staying with us when you’re released, Hoon,” Joshua said. “Until you’re better.” Jihoon huffed, then winced at his ribs.

“What about when you’re both at work?” Jihoon asked. Jeonghan cocked his head to one side, glancing at Joshua. Then he grinned slyly.

“You can have Seungcheol.”

“You all work at the same time on Tuesdays and Thursdays.” Jihoon stated.

“Well, then you can have time on your own for a little bit then. I finish an hour earlier than Jeonghan on a Tuesday, and he goes three hours later than I do.” Joshua said. Jihoon sighed.

“You’ll probably have a lot of time on your own though,” Jeonghan said uncertainly.

“We could see if Wonwoo could come round one day?” Joshua suggested to Jeonghan. The two immediately started discussing everyone’s hours. Jihoon zoned out, and eventually he fell asleep.

 

Jihoon stayed in hospital for another week. His plaster was exchanged for a proper cast - a red one - and then he was discharged. Joshua drove him down to his flat first to pack his stuff so that he would have enough to stay for up to two months. He phoned the company Jihoon worked for to explain his situation and they gave him medical leave, which was extremely convenient. Joshua had also managed to get the next week off so that he could take care of Jihoon for a bit, whilst Dokyeom worked extra to cover his shifts. Joshua had done this for Dokyeom once, and he felt obliged to return the favor.

Joshua helped Jihoon settle down comfortably and painlessly on the large couch. He had decided to bring his cactus with him, and he placed it on the coffee table.

“I wanna name him.” Jihoon said.

“Huh?” Joshua said, confused.

“The cactus,” Jihoon explained.

“Ah.” Joshua nodded.

“Jisoo.”

“Yeah?”

“No, I mean, name the cactus Jisoo.”

“Oh!” Joshua laughed. He had responded as Jisoo was his Korean name. “Chan said it’ll grow a cute little flower in the Summer if that helps?”

“Yeah. Jisoo.” Jihoon nodded. “How does Chan know that?”

“He works in the garden centre, Hoon.”

“Does he?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.” Jihoon’s voice remained blank and expressionless. Joshua thought this was odd and out of character. He always had some sort of expression, whether it angry, annoyed, sad, or grumpy.

Joshua fussed over Jihoon - he constantly asked if he was okay, if he needed anything, if he was comfortable, and eventually Jihoon had an annoyed tone in his voice. He threatened to throw Jisoo the Cactus at him if he asked any more questions.

To no one’s surprise, Jihoon was fast asleep on the couch by the time Jeonghan got home from work, which was around ten past five. A blanket had been delicately placed over Jihoon’s tiny, broken body. Joshua had managed to prop Jihoon up on cushions and pillows. Jeonghan cooed over how sweet he looked. For once, Jihoon wasn’t scowling. He looked peaceful.

“How’s he been?” Jeonghan asked, stroking the sleeping boy’s hair.

“Fine,” Joshua replied. “He wasn’t exactly grumpy.”

“That’s good,” Jeonghan said, pulling Jihoon’s blanket higher up his body. He knew he liked to be submerged when he slept.

“I guess so,” Joshua shrugged. “He was kinda expressionless.”

“Probably some kind of trauma from the accident, maybe?” Jeonghan said, although he knew Jihoon hadn’t sounded expressionless when he was in hospital. He had sounded annoyed, fed up, tired. Joshua hummed before asking Jeonghan how work was.

“It was alright. Seungcheol asked about Jihoon,” Jeonghan said. “He had to cover Mingyu today.”

“He does care about Hoon, then.” Joshua said.

“Yeah, of course he does. He visited him in the hospital with me the other day,” Jeonghan said. Joshua chuckled and stated that that must have gone brilliantly. Jeonghan laughed too, causing Joshua to smile. Jeonghan’s laugh was music to his ears.

Joshua didn’t sleep that night. He was worried. Worried about Jihoon. Worried about his intentions. He lay staring at the ceiling, listening to Jeonghan’s heavy breathing. Suddenly, he started panicking, and he felt hot and sweaty despite it being a cold night in early February. Joshua got out of bed, needing a glass of water. 

He quietly tip toed to the kitchen, trying to be as silent as a mouse. He walked into the living room once he had his drink, and noticed a figure sat on the window seat, the moonlight falling on his face. 

“Are you okay, Hoon?” Joshua sat down on the window seat too, facing the small, broken boy. Jihoon looked at him. His eyes looked blank, with no expression lying behind them. There was no longer a light shining bright in his brown eyes. He looked so tired. So broken hearted.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”


	10. "It wasn't an accident."

Wonwoo was curled up by the window with a book in his hands. He had come over to watch over Jihoon. Jihoon felt like he was being babysitted, which pissed him off, but Joshua and Jeonghan just felt protective over him. They were like parents.

“Do you want foo-are you okay?” Wonwoo looked up from his book to see Jihoon laying on the sofa, poker faced, not blinking.

“I am just fantastic, Wonwoo.” Jihoon said. 

“Do you want painkillers?”

“Please, for the love of God.”

Wonwoo nodded and walked into the kitchen. Jihoon was extra bitter today. As he took a small box from the cupboards, he wondered how Jeonghan put up with him. Joshua was sweet, kind and selfless, and him trying to be mean was like a kitten trying to roar. Joshua could put up with nearly anyone. Jeonghan on the other hand was impatient and could be selfish at times, but most people could.

Looking after Jihoon was a whole lot different to Mingyu. Mingyu was cute when he was sick or injured, and was still friendly. He would always tell Wonwoo he was okay even if he wasn’t because he hated him worrying. Jihoon was sarcastic and snappy and hell to be around. He got on Wonwoo’s nerves, but he didn’t say anything.

It was strange. Jihoon and Wonwoo used to be kind of close, until Soonyoung died and he slammed the door shut in all his friends’ faces. Jeonghan fought his way in but Joshua had spent a year thinking he just needed time, and eventually he tried to get close to Jihoon again too. He was only just beginning to.

Wonwoo felt like he barely knew Jihoon at all. He was like a whole other person. It was like Soonyoung had taken Jihoon’s happiness with him, leaving him empty and dead inside. Wonwoo wondered what it was like inside Jihoon’s head.

He was relieved when the front door opened, announcing that Joshua was home from work. Wonwoo stayed ten minutes more before going back home, his Prince Mingyu awaiting him.

“Where’s Jeonghan?” Jihoon asked.

“Went to see his dad,” Joshua told him.

“Oh right.”

“How was your day?” Joshua repositioned himself to face Jihoon better.

“Fine.”

“Were you alright with Wonwoo?”

“Yes.”

“That’s good then.”

Jihoon hummed. He was trying to take a photo of the orchid again. However, he needed his right hand, which was in a cast. He scowled. A broken wrist made it extremely difficult. He couldn’t get the perfect photo. Joshua watched him give up and place the camera on the coffee table. They had moved it closer to the sofa for him for convenience with his ribs.

Joshua sighed and took his guitar from the nearby stand. Jihoon relaxed and listened as he played Ed Sheeran’s Tenerife Sea. He shut his eyes and let himself sleep for a little while.

When Jihoon woke up a few hours later, it was because of an extremely sharp pain in his front. He was lying on his stomach on the floor. He realised he must have fallen off the couch. He felt a pair of hands help him sit up.

“Are you okay?” Joshua’s soft voice asked. Jeonghan lifted up Jihoon’s shirt to check for bleeding. Jihoon tilted his head back against the couch. He hissed at the pain.

“Brilliant.” He responded to Joshua.

“Get him some painkillers,” Jeonghan ordered, taking Jihoon’s shirt off of his skinny body and unravelling the bandages. His cut wasn’t bleeding. Jeonghan felt along the side where Jihoon’s ribs were broken, checking for any swelling that wasn’t there before or any bumps in case the fall had broken his ribs further. Joshua returned with an ice pack and pain killers.

“Don’t you think we should take him to the hospital?” Joshua suggested, giving Jihoon his drink and the pills.

“Uh,” Jeonghan thought for a moment. “We’ll see how he is through the night, and then see how his body is in the morning. I don’t have work tomorrow so I can take him to the hospital.” Joshua nodded. Jihoon held the ice pack to his ribs, biting his lip.

“I’ll be fine,” He said. “I’m always fine.” Joshua and Jeonghan exchanged glances.

“Okay, Hoon,” Joshua helped Jeonghan lift him back onto the sofa. He hissed as his body was placed on the soft seating. Joshua then proceeded to sit by him and stroke his hair, knowing he liked that. He knew it calmed him down, too. It made him relax.

Soon, Jeonghan went up to bed. It was only half nine, but he said it had been a long day at the coffee store, plus he and Seungcheol and danced around behind the counter the one time the store was empty. Joshua guessed it was just that Jeonghan loved sleep. He still sat stroking Jihoon’s hair. He was surprised he hadn’t fallen into a deep slumber yet.

“How are your ribs?” Joshua asked gently.

“Less painful.” Jihoon mumbled.

“I’m glad.” The older boy smiled. Jihoon stared blankly at the ceiling. It hurt to breathe. But what’s new? He had learnt that having broken ribs and a broken heart feels the same. No one can tell it’s there, but it hurt every time you breathe. He had written that in his new notebook full of poetry.

The two continued to sit in that position for another half hour. Joshua turned on the TV, and the two watched Good Mythical Morning via the Smart TV YouTube. 

“Could you grab my shirt?” Jihoon asked. Jeonghan had never put Jihoon’s shirt back on him. Joshua silently took the t-shirt and helped Jihoon cover his bruised body. Joshua knew if Jihoon lost any more weight his rib cage would poke through his skin. Jihoon didn’t eat enough, and he had lost a lot since Soonyoung passed. 

Soonyoung would absolutely hate to see him like this. Joshua liked to think that Soonyoung was watching over them, or even around them, simply invisible and not heard by anyone. He liked to think Soonyoung existed somewhere still.

Jihoon had never seen Good Mythical Morning before. It seemed like something Soonyoung would have watched. Rhett and Link, the best friends who presented the show, reminded him a little bit of them. He was Rhett. Soonyoung was Link. Unless you were to go for height wise, in which case Jihoon was Link without a doubt.

“How tall is Link?” Jihoon asked so quietly Joshua could only just hear him.

“Like, 6 foot?” Joshua said. Jihoon nodded. Heightwise, Jihoon wasn’t either of them. He stood at a grand total of 5’4. And a half. Soonyoung had been 5’10, and he tended to stand on his tip toes to be able to kiss him.

Jihoon wanted to join Soonyoung. He didn’t want to be without him. The world was cruel. He could only survive in it with Soonyoung. Suddenly he was sick of bottling up the truth about the car crash. He had to tell someone.

“Joshua?” Jihoon said as the episode of Good Mythical Morning ended.

“Yeah?” Joshua saw Jihoon chewing on his lip. “What’s up?”

“You know the car crash?”

“Yeah?”

Jihoon swallowed. “It wasn’t an accident.”

“What do you mean?” Joshua felt a little confused, but at the same time, he knew exactly what he meant.

“I saw the car. I timed it. I drove out at the exact time I needed to to hit that car.” Jihoon took a deep breathe. It hurt his ribs. “Joshua, it was a suicide attempt.” The faucet behind Jihoon’s eyes turned and tears began to flow.

“Oh, Jihoon.” Joshua wrapped his arms around him as best and as painlessly as he could. He had known this. But hearing Jihoon admit it shocked him.

“I was so disappointed when I woke up in that hospital room.” Jihoon carried on. “My car collided and I heard the crash, I felt the pain, I felt the car spinning round, and I felt my head smash against the window. I hoped it was the last time I shut my eyes. But it wasn’t. And when I found out I nearly did die...I wished that they got to me just a little later. And I would be gone. I would have gotten what I wanted. I don’t want to live without him. My life is an endless, repeated circle. I’m sick of it, Joshua.”

“Just...hang on. A little more. Just a little more, Jihoon,” Joshua said. “I promise you everything will get better, okay?”

“But it won’t. You can’t pro-”

“I can. And I am.” Joshua held Jihoon close. “I promise you’ll find a reason to live soon. I promise.”

 

Joshua sat up abruptly. He woke up Jeonghan, who had been cuddling him. He could sense that Joshua was about to cry. And he did cry.

“Hey, hey,” Jeonghan murmured. He sat up and held his boyfriend to his chest. “What is it?”

“Jihoon needs help,” Joshua whispered, his voice cracking. “The car crash was a suicide attempt.” Jeonghan was speechless.

“We’ll help him,” he said eventually. “He’ll be fine, Joshie. I promise.”


	11. Sneaking Out

Once more, Joshua was crying at Soonyoung’s grave. He was late to work already but he didn’t care. He needed to tell Soonyoung.

“Jihoon tried to join you, Soonyoung,” he cried. “Jeonghan says we’ll help him. But we can’t. Only you can. But you’re dead. Why do you have to be dead? Jihoon would be happy and not suffering on our couch or attempting suicide.” Joshua let himself cry and rant for another ten minutes before saying goodbye and saying an “I miss you” and an “I love you”. 

His eyes were extremely red and puffy by the time he got to work. Dokyeom’s eyes widened when he saw him, and enveloped him in a warm hug.

“Are you okay?” He asked, rubbing Joshua’s back.

“Yeah. I’m fine.” Joshua nodded.

“You’ve been crying. And you’re almost an hour late. That’s not like you,” Dokyeom said.

“I’m okay. When do I ever lie?”

“When it’s for the good of others,” Dokyeom replied. “C’mon, what’s wrong?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Joshua said.

“No, it does.”

“It doesn’t, okay? I’m fine. I’m just worried about someone’s well being and safety.”

“Jeonghan?”

“Jihoon.”

“Ah,” Dokyeom continued to hug Joshua. “Tell someone everything, okay? Don’t bottle things up.”

“Yeah.” Joshua nodded and pulled away from their long hug.

The day went slowly. Joshua wanted to be home, hugging Jihoon and making him feel cared for. He needed to know he was physically okay. He needed to take care of him. He trusted Jeonghan, but he wanted to know for himself.

Jihoon was okay. He was on his own as Jeonghan had gone food shopping. He was suddenly fed up of being cooped up indoors, and lying around on the couch all day. He groaned in frustration, rubbing his face with his left hand.

He gently stood up, taking a grey zip up hoodie from the other sofa. It was way too big for him. He then changed his pajama pants for black skinny jeans, zipped up the hoodie and lifted the hood. Jihoon shoved his feet into black converse, tucking in the laces instead of tying them. His ribs hurt already but he didn’t care.

He left the house, slamming the door shut. Jihoon walked slowly down the street, admiring all the people who had beautiful flowers on their front lawns. Joshua and Jeonghan had a few small bushes lining the path, which were dotted with small red flowers. Jihoon wasn’t sure which kind they were.

He remembered walking down here in the summer with Soonyoung. He remembered the last time they did so, and they had left earlier than needed so that they could sit by the pond on the way there for a little while, just talking whilst Jihoon lay in Soonyoung’s lap. Back when he was alive. Back when Jihoon was happy. Back when Jihoon wanted to live.

Eventually Jihoon got to the main town. It had taken him twenty minutes longer than usual. As he walked past the coffee shop, he noticed Seungcheol on his way to work. Jihoon lowered his head, pulling his sleeves down over his hands, then stuffed his hands in his hoodie pockets as best as he could. Thankfully Seungcheol didn’t notice it was him when they walked past.

Jihoon found himself back in the bookstore. He briefly looked up and saw Joshua staring into space behind the counter. That wasn’t like him. Joshua was normally concentrated on his surroundings. Jihoon thought nothing of it and began browsing through a shelf of books until he found one he liked the look of. Unfortunately for him, it was on the top shelf. He stood up on his tip toes, causing his hood to fall down, but his skinny fingers could only brush against the bottom of the book’s spine. He couldn’t get a proper grip on it. A slim, tanned arm suddenly entered Jihoon’s vision and took the volume.

“Joshua said you’re not meant to be out.” Dokyeom said, handing Jihoon the novel. Jihoon sighed.

“I got fed up.” He said before walking over to an armchair and sitting down, his back to Joshua, who was watching him. Part of him was glad that Jihoon was there. Joshua could see him.

“Did you walk?” Dokyeom asked, perching on the side of the armchair. Jihoon held the book close to his face.

“Yes.”

“Jeonghan let you?”

“No. He went grocery shopping.”

“You sneaked out?”

“I was home alone.”

“Shouldn’t you be res-”

“Can I read my book please?” Jihoon snapped, glaring at him.

“Sorry,” Dokyeom apologised quietly. “I’m just worried about you.”

“I don’t need people worrying about me. I’m fine. Fuck off and let me read.” Jihoon said. Dokyeom sighed before standing up and walking over to Joshua. He noticed Joshua had been chewing on his lip. He asked if it was bleeding. Dokyeom nodded and dragged him round the back to help him clean up the blood.

Joshua sat up on the bathroom counter as Dokyeom wetted a tissue and gently wiped Joshua’s lip.

“You need to take care of yourself,” Dokyeom told him. “I know you’re worried about Jihoon but please remember to look after yourself too.” 

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise. You don’t need to,” Dokyeom said. He was quiet for a few seconds before asking, “how do you put up with Jihoon? He’s so grumpy.”

“Seungcheol calls him Scrooge.” Joshua said. This comment made his friend laugh.

“I see why,” Dokyeom said. “They’re similar.” Joshua nodded his head.

Once Dokyeom finished clearing up the blood, Joshua went over to Jihoon. He pulled Jihoon’s hood back down and parted his hair. He thought that Jihoon probably shouldn’t have his hair flopping over the healing wound on his forehead. He lifted his hood back over his head once he finished.

The two spent the afternoon together, reading the book in Jihoon’s hands. Jeonghan called, asking where Jihoon was. Joshua told him he was with him and he was fine. By the time the two of them hung up, Jihoon had shut the book, leaned up against Joshua and fallen asleep. Joshua chuckled and began stroking his hair. Dokyeom saw and snapped a photo.

At the end of the day, Joshua picked Jihoon up bridal style and carried him to the car. He walked with a slow pace, wary of the boy’s broken bones. He carefully placed him in the front seat and drove him home. Joshua thought about what must have been going through Jihoon’s mind on the day he attempted suicide. It must have felt like Hell.

Joshua had to kick the door instead of knock. Jeonghan’s face lit up when he opened the door. He pecked Joshua’s lips before kissing Jihoon’s forehead. The act made Joshua smile.

“I feel so protective over him,” Jeonghan said. “We’re like parents.”

“Yeah,” Joshua chuckled. The two walked into the living room. Joshua lay Jihoon down on the couch. It woke him up, as it hurt his ribs slightly.

“Oh, I took him to the hospital,” Jeonghan said. “Doctor said that his ribs haven’t been damaged much, it’ll just delay the healing a little bit longer.” Joshua nodded.

“That’s alright then,” He said.

“Yeah,” there was a glint in Jeonghan’s eyes. “And Jihoon, Seungcheol’s coming round on Sunday evening.”

Jihoon groaned. “You’re kidding?”

Jeonghan smirked. “Josh and I won’t be there, either.” Joshua was confused.

“What? Why won’t we be there?” He asked, looking at Jeonghan. 

“Because I’m taking you on a date,” Jeonghan tapped Joshua’s nose. “I’ve got plans for us.” Joshua’s cheeks went red as Jeonghan placed his arm around his waist and kissed his soft lips. Jihoon was reminded horribly of he and Soonyoung, but he could only think of one thing.

An entire evening alone with Seungcheol. In other words, Hell.


	12. An Evening With Seungcheol

Sunday inevitably came around. Jeonghan was energetic and excited the whole day, but Jihoon was incredibly grumpy and irritated. He had to bite his lip so he didn’t snap at Jeonghan. Jihoon figured he had something exciting planned for him and his boyfriend that night.

Jihoon lazed around on the couch all day, as per usual, having yet another Good Mythical Morning marathon. It was all he had done since he went down to the bookstore. Jeonghan was raiding through his stuff upstairs, trying to find him a nice outfit. Jeonghan wanted Jihoon to look good for once.

“There is nothing.” Jeonghan announced when he heard Joshua walk in.

“Nothing for what?” Joshua asked. He looked around their room, seeing clothes thrown all over the floor.

“That Jihoon can wear!” Jeonghan exclaimed. “I want him looking good! I’ve been all through my stuff and his stuff.”

“Go through mine, then,” Joshua said, perching on their bedroom’s window seat. Jeonghan raided through Joshua’s half of their wardrobe. Joshua stood up to begin tidying up, seeing as their room was a mess.

“Can he wear this one?” Jeonghan held up one of Joshua’s sweaters. It was white with two dark red lines around the neck’s hem. Joshua nodded.

“As long as he’s got like a large plaster or a bandage over his cut,” Joshua said. “I don’t want his blood all over it. It’s white, so it certainly isn’t preferable.”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan agreed. He pulled the ends of the sleeve to make sure they could stretch over Jihoon’s cast. He nodded approvingly and folded the sweater neatly before placing it on the end of he and Joshua’s bed. Joshua added a pair of folded sweatpants to the pile.

“Could you wear this tonight, babe?” Jeonghan held up one of Joshua’s white button ups. Dark blue outlines of roses were gathered in a circle on the front of it.

“Of course,” Joshua nodded. Jeonghan beamed.

Before long, it reached quarter to six. Seungcheol was scheduled to come round at six. Jeonghan took Jihoon’s outfit downstairs, telling him he needed to get dressed for visitors. Jihoon sighed and then groaned. The long haired boy helped Jihoon stand up.

“Arms up,” he ordered. Jihoon obeyed, and Jeonghan lifted the short boy’s shirt over his head. He took a large plaster and carefully placed it over Jihoon’s wound in case he knocked it and it began to bleed. He helped him put on Joshua’s sweater, then assisted him in getting the sleeve over his cast.

Jihoon was ready and looking presentable by the time the doorbell rang, signalling that Seungcheol had arrived. The grumpy boy sighed and settled himself down on the couch, rejecting assistance from Jeonghan. He told him he’s not a baby and he can manage fine by himself, thank you very much.

"Hey Scrooge,” Seungcheol said as he came in, a smirk resting proudly on his face. Jihoon scowled.

“Hi.” He said plainly.

“Okay, well, have fun, you two,” Jeonghan said. “Cheol, try not to make Jihoon try to kill you. He’ll only hurt himself more than you.”

“I’m too tall for him, anyways,” Seungcheol chuckled.

“Oh please, you’ve sunk to a level low enough for me to reach.” Jihoon muttered. Jeonghan snickered.

“Bye!” Joshua called out as the two left, leaving Jihoon alone with Seungcheol for the rest of the evening.

Jihoon sighed, staring at the blank TV screen. Tonight was going to be a long night. He was sure of it. And it had only just started.

“You okay?” Seungcheol questioned, sitting next to him on the couch.

“Yes.”

“Do you want anything?”

“I’m good.”

Seungcheol was silent for a couple of minutes before asking, “what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.” Jihoon said, not looking at him. He continued staring at the black TV screen.

“Tell me if you think of anything, yeah?” Seungcheol told him kindly.

“Yeah.” 

Seungcheol was interested in Jihoon. Not romantically, but he was fascinated by what he was like. Jeonghan said he hadn’t always been sour. He wondered what had happened. He figured that he must have been through Hell and back to end up how he was now. He wondered what went on Jihoon’s head. He didn’t expect it to be pleasant.

He felt sorry for him, but everyone did. He noticed Jeonghan and Joshua treated him like he was a broken doll. He didn’t know much about Jihoon, but he knew for sure that Jihoon was not a broken doll. He was a person. So Seungcheol would treat him as one. Besides, he had promised Joshua to help Jihoon become a little happier. He knew the boy despised him, so he chose to treat him differently to how most people treated him and see how it went down.

He looked around the room, wondering if there was anything they could do there. There wasn’t, apart from a bass and an acoustic guitar. He knew the bass was Jeonghan’s and the acoustic was Joshua’s. They were quite a musical couple.

“Do you play any instruments?” Seungcheol asked Jihoon, who still sat with his arms crossed, staring at the television.

“Guitar, drums, piano, clarinet.” Jihoon answered. Seungcheol was impressed. He wasn’t expecting any more than maybe guitar and piano.

“Nice. I only play piano and a bit of guitar.” Seungcheol stated. Jihoon nodded. The older boy saw that Jihoon’s face lacked in emotion. This was different. He thought he had a permanent glare all the time.

Seungcheol remembered that Joshua told him before he left that they had board games in the sideboard in the dining room. His face lit up and he walked over to see what games they had. He pulled out Monopoly, Pictionary, Scrabble, and Connect 4.

“Jihoon, wanna play Connect 4?” Seungcheol called out. He remembered Jeonghan had said he wouldn’t play monopoly at Christmas, and he thought he might struggle at Pictionary with his broken wrist, and Scrabble was boring.

“Sure. Let me beat your ass,” Jihoon replied, carefully lifting himself off the couch. Seungcheol bought the game over with a grin.

“I slay at this game. I know all the techniques,” he said to Jihoon.

“Convincing, really.”

“Honestly,” Seungcheol set the game up on the coffee table after budging the flower pot out of the way. Jihoon spent a good minute and a half trying to find a comfy, painless position to sit. Seungcheol didn’t mind at all.

The game started. Seungcheol went first, dropping his red counter directly in the middle. Jihoon asked if this was his amazing technique. He admitted he didn’t actually have one, he would just go first and hope for the best. Jihoon nodded and told him that’s what he thought.

“Ha! Beat you,” Seungcheol smirked. Jihoon looked at the board. Sure enough, four red counters lay in a row.

“Oh, wow, so clever.” Jihoon said sarcastically. “I wish I was that good. I am simply inspired.” His sarcasm made Seungcheol laugh.

“You wanna play again, sore loser?” Seungcheol asked.

“I’m not a sore loser,” Jihoon insisted. “You’re so childish.”

“But do you want to play again?” Seungcheol laughed. Jihoon nodded.

The two played Connect 4 over and over until Jihoon finally won. He wasn’t paying a lot of attention, which is why he won once out of five times. Seungcheol said it was just his fantastic techniques.

Jihoon was now satisfied since he had won a game, so Seungcheol cleared up and put the box back in the dining room. When he sat back down next to Jihoon, he noticed he had turned the TV on and was searching its YouTube.

“What are you looking for?” Seungcheol asked curiously.

“Good Mythical Morning.” Jihoon mumbled. 

“I love that show!” Seungcheol exclaimed. “Do you prefer Rhett or Link?”

“Probably Link. I’ve never thought about it.” Seungcheol nodded. Jihoon selected an episode, and two watched the show for the rest of the night. They discussed the episodes, aka Seungcheol talked and Jihoon mumbled a small response.

Seungcheol smiled when he looked over and saw Jihoon almost asleep, curled up on his side. He checked the time. 11:37pm. Time had gone quickly, but then they had spent an hour playing Connect 4 and then watched a _lot _of Good Mythical Morning.__

__“Tired?” Seungcheol asked with a small smile when Jihoon yawned. The sleepy boy nodded._ _

__“Could you help me take my sweater off?” Jihoon asked quietly. Seungcheol nodded, carefully rolling his sleeve off of his cast and removing the large sweater off of his small, skinny body. He took his large t-shirt from the couch’s arm and put it on Jihoon. Just as he was doing so, the front door opened. They heard Jeonghan and Joshua come in, giddy from happiness._ _

__“Good date?” Seungcheol asked as the two walked in._ _

__“Definitely,” Jeonghan beamed, lacing his fingers with Joshua’s. “How about you two? Was Jihoon okay with you?”_ _

__“Yeah, he was fine,” Seungcheol replied, looking back at Jihoon. He was amazed to find he had already fallen asleep. “I think he was just pissed off that I beat him in Connect 4 four times in a row.” Jeonghan and Joshua laughed._ _

__“Thank you for looking after him,” Joshua said. Seungcheol realised they really did treat him like their child. He told them it was no problem. He noticed Jeonghan was gazing lovingly at his partner’s hand. Seungcheol looked at Joshua’s hand too, and noticed a silver ring with beautiful white gems climbing up it on his ring finger. His eyes widened._ _

__“Are you two engaged?” He asked. He congratulated them when they both nodded joyfully. It was no wonder the couple were so happy._ _

__Once Seungcheol had gone home, Jeonghan carried Jihoon up to his bed, with his new fiance trailing behind him. They were both amazed that Jihoon and Seungcheol had gotten along that evening._ _

__It was that night that Jihoon decided maybe Seungcheol wasn’t so bad after all._ _


	13. A Night With Seungcheol

Jeonghan and Joshua hid their engagement from Jihoon for about a week. By hiding, they just didn’t tell him. Jeonghan remembered that Jihoon had asked if twenty was too young to propose, a few weeks before Soonyoung died. He asked if he planned to ask Soonyoung to marry him and Jihoon had told him he wanted to that December. Jeonghan was afraid to upset him. He had looked so happy at the idea of marrying Soonyoung.

“We have to tell him, babe,” Joshua said. “This is a huge part of our lives. We’ll invite him to the wedding.”

“We’ll tell him eventually, honey,” Jeonghan answered. “Just not now.”

“We have to make it soon. He could be angry that we kept it from him.” Jeonghan sighed.

“I just...I hate to see him upset. I don’t want him to break down because we’ve reminded him of the future he could have had with Soonyoung.” 

“Everything reminds him of Soonyoung, Hannie,” Joshua said softly. “He’s always upset.”

Jeonghan embraced his fiance. He was right. Upsetting Jihoon seemed inevitable. He wished he could be happy, but happy only existed in Jihoon when Soonyoung existed. Soonyoung didn’t exist anymore. He never would exist again.

Sure enough, Jihoon found out about their engagement. He saw the ring on Joshua’s finger one night as they were eating dinner.

“You’re engaged,” he stated bluntly.

“Yeah, we are,” Joshua smiled. “Jeonghan proposed to me on the night Seungcheol looked after you.” Jihoon nodded.

“Well, congratulations.” He said. His voice was quiet and barely audible. Jeonghan and Joshua could only just make out what he had said.

“Thank you,” Joshua ruffled Jihoon’s hair. The brown had faded to a dirty blonde. It suited him. He needed a haircut. It fell messily around his face and was in desperate need of brushing. He tended to use his fingers to flop it back and out of his face. Jihoon’s bangs now came halfway down his cheeks, so it looked as though he was in the process of growing it out.

“Oh, Jihoon, do you want to come to Dokyeom, Vernon and Chan’s joint birthday party?” Jeonghan asked. “It’s on Saturday.”

“I haven’t even seen Vernon in two and a half years.” Jihoon responded.

“So wouldn’t it be nice for you to see him?” Jeonghan said. “It’s his twenty-first. Dokyeom’s twenty-two and Chan’s twenty now.”

“I don’t want to go.” Jihoon mumbled.

“Are you sure? We’ll be staying the night at Dokyeom’s. I don’t really want you to be on your own overnight,” Joshua said.

“Seungcheol’s not going,” Jeonghan said.

“Great! So I’ll stay at Seungcheol’s.” Jihoon got up from the table, too abruptly for the engaged couple’s liking, and lay back down on the sofa. Jeonghan sighed and put his fork down. He stared at his food, his head in his hands. Joshua rested his hand on his back.

Jihoon wouldn't speak for the rest of the evening. He was fed up with being babied and rarely getting time by himself. He was being treated like a child. He was a grown man at age twenty-two. It pissed him off.

Jeonghan tried to apologise. He wasn’t sure exactly where he had upset him but Jihoon wouldn’t even look at him. Eventually, Joshua told him to leave him alone. Jihoon went to bed shortly after, without his usual half assed “goodnight”.

 

Jeonghan did arrange for Jihoon to spend a night at Seungcheol’s. Jihoon wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about it. He didn’t know if he hated Seungcheol or not. He supposed he just didn’t mind him.

Joshua expected Jihoon to be in one of his worst moods when Saturday rolled up. Instead, he was quiet and ignored Jeonghan all day. He lounged around on the sofa, as he always did, in his pajamas. Joshua managed to get him dressed into a white sweater with a yellow winking smiley face, and light yellow shorts. Joshua said it was too cold but Jihoon insisted on wearing them.

“Would you like me to part your hair to the side so it’s more out of your face?” Joshua offered after seeing Jihoon push his hair back for the millionth time. It would only flop in front of his face again within a minute. The boy nodded. 

On the way out of the house, he took a hair tie from the plastic pot by the front door. He threw his rucksack on his back, causing Jeonghan to remind him to be careful, and tied his hair up in a small ponytail. He left his bangs untied around his face.

Before long, Jeonghan’s car pulled up outside Seungcheol’s house. Jihoon climbed out of the back seat and walked up to the front door with Joshua. It annoyed Jihoon that Joshua had felt the need to walk him up. It was as if Jihoon was five years old. Seungcheol opened the front door shortly after Joshua knocked.

“Hey Scrooge,” Seungcheol greeted casually. Jihoon mumbled a hello.

“Have fun, Hoon,” Joshua wrapped his arms gently around Jihoon.

“Yeah,” Jihoon said. They said their goodbyes and Jihoon stepped inside Seungcheol’s warm home and out of the cold, February weather.

“They really treat you like a kid, don’t they?” Seungcheol said as he closed the door. He took Jihoon’s bag from him and hung it up on the stair’s bannister.

“Yeah, they do. I hate it.” Jihoon rolled his eyes. “I’m not five, I’m twenty-two. They don’t trust me on my own for more than a few hours because I apparently can’t manage with broken ribs.”

“How many did you break, anyways?” Seungcheol asked curiously, sitting down on his wine red couch. Jihoon made himself comfortable in the cosy armchair in the corner.

“Just two.” Jihoon answered. “Not next to each other, either, so it’s not very serious.” Seungcheol nodded. If he was treated how Jihoon was, he’d be pretty fed up.

Jihoon was relieved to be somewhere different. He had stayed over at Jeonghan and Joshua’s for most of the last three months. Before then he had always been in his flat. He had only been to Seungcheol’s once, and that was back in early December. Jihoon was mostly unfamiliar with Seungcheol’s home. He liked it. It was something new. Seungcheol was someone new. He didn’t realise he needed something new in his life. He was quite used to the same repeat of the same routine day after day.

“What do you want to do?” The older boy questioned. Jihoon thought for a few moments. Seungcheol found it cute that he scrunched his mouth to the side when he thought hard enough.

“Have you got any board games?” The shorter boy requested. Seungcheol grinned.

“I have Connect 4?”

“Nah. We played that last time.” Jihoon said, fiddling with the ends of his sweater sleeves.

“Piction-” Seungcheol remembered Jihoon’s wrist. “Actually, you’d struggle with that.” Jihoon insisted he could try, or even use his left hand. Seungcheol told him it wouldn’t be fair because it would be harder for him to guess what he’s drawing. Then he insisted you were meant to have four or more players.

“Whatever, we’ll change the rules.” Jihoon said. “And I’m ambidextrous.” This was a lie. Jihoon was just right handed. He was talented in many aspects, except writing and drawing with his left hand. Seungcheol gave in.

They settled on making the game so that the artist just thought of a word and the other had to guess what they were drawing. If they didn’t guess by the time the drawing was finished, then the artist got a point. If they did guess in time, they would get a point.

“There’s got to already be a game exactly like this,” Seungcheol said, grabbing a notebook and a pencil. Jihoon agreed and said it was quite likely.

Seungcheol drew first. Jihoon watched in confusion. A grey, sketchy circle appeared on the paper. Then a triangle. Then an oval beneath the circle, then two rectangles beneath and two triangles on the side. Seungcheol giggled at his magnificent artwork.

“What the fuck...you drew something that belongs in the toddler’s art gallery,” Jihoon exclaimed. This made Seungcheol laugh.

“I get a point. You didn’t guess before I finished.” Seungcheol smirked slyly. Jihoon sent him a glare.

“What the hell is it then?” Jihoon asked.

“It’s a penguin.” Seungcheol explained. Jihoon blinked.

“Right. Okay. Moving on.” Jihoon took the paper and folded it in half to create a fresh page for him to draw. It became obvious to Seungcheol that Jihoon certainly was not ambidextrous and he laughed at his efforts. Jihoon kicked him when he said it was cute. But Jihoon didn’t mind in the end, because Seungcheol spent so long laughing that Jihoon had finished his horse and he got himself a point.

Seungcheol grew to like Jihoon. He saw past his miserable attitude and found Jihoon cute. His grumpiness made him laugh. His sarcasm was quite amusing. His hair looked sweet and messy and Jihoon didn’t protest when Seungcheol played with his short ponytail.

“Are you growing your hair out?” Seungcheol asked.

“No. I just can’t be assed to get it cut.” Jihoon said. Seungcheol chuckled.

“I don’t think it would suit you longer than your chin anyways.” He stated. Jihoon shook his head.

“It’s down near my shoulders right at the back,” he said. “Looks awful. It’s all layered as well so it looks even worse.”

Jihoon decided he definitely didn’t really mind Seungcheol. He didn’t treat him like a child or a broken doll, unlike Joshua and Jeonghan. He didn’t pity him for his past like everyone else, either. He wondered if he even knew. He decided against asking, though, because otherwise Seungcheol would ask about it.

Like the last time they hung out, they spent the rest of the evening watching their favorite show, Good Mythical Morning. Jihoon pointed out how stupid Rhett and Link were with their experiments, and Seungcheol agreed but said it was funny. The two of them played along with the game episodes they watched then told each other their guess of an answer was stupid.

Jihoon slept in Seungcheol’s guest bedroom. He realised he must really have a thing for the color red, as the bed’s sheets were red and white, and a dark red rug rested on the white carpet. For the first time in a few weeks, Jihoon got changed completely by himself. It hurt when he had to stretch back to pull off his sweater from the back of the neck, and when he changed into sweatpants, but other than that he was fine changing by himself. He decided to reject Jeonghan and Joshua’s help in the future. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the red pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote half of this in an hour but grammarly says its ok sO  
> im super sorry if theres too much dialogue??? i try to mix it up and get it even but i fail sometimes, and i kinda ran out of inspiration but anyways  
> thank you for reading, and all the comments and kudos! it means a lot ~


	14. Home

It was strange for Jihoon to be back in his apartment. He was no longer quite used to it. He didn’t realise how much he had missed his balcony. Joshua and Jeonghan’s living room window seat wasn’t the same. He enjoyed standing underneath the gorgeous night sky and look out over the city, or lie down on the floor and look at the stars. It was one of the only things he and Soonyoung used to do together that he still did now. Soonyoung used to think that maybe each of the stars represented someone who had died. An angel in heaven. In the back of Jihoon’s mind, he wondered whether Soonyoung had his own star. Hoshi. His star. Maybe Jihoon’s star really was a star now. Maybe Soonyoung as a star was no longer a metaphor. Maybe he was up there, looking down on him. He wondered what he must think of him now. Jihoon missed living in redamancy with Soonyoung.

Jihoon stood up and brushed his fingers through his newly cut hair. He wasn’t quite used to not having to move his long bangs from his face yet, nor was he used to being able to move his right wrist. He liked that he didn’t have his hair down the back of his neck now. He had had an undercut shaved in, as he had done before it got too long, and the rest was what Soonyoung used to call a mild mushroom haircut. It was still colored a pale shade of brown. Just how his lover had liked it.

His apartment was a little warmer now that it was coming up to Spring. It wasn’t the warmest, but it was bearable for Jeonghan when he came to check on Jihoon each week. Recently, Jihoon had begun to tell Jeonghan to fuck off whenever he came to see how he was. It saddened Jeonghan. Not because he wasn’t welcome there, but because he had grown up with Jihoon. He had joined his kindergarten in the middle of his first year, and he was the one who befriended him when he was crying in the playground and gave him a hug. Jihoon had been a crybaby until he hit about seven. Although Jeonghan was in the year above, they still grew close. Jihoon stuck to Dokyeom when Jeonghan moved up to elementary. He met Soonyoung when he too went into elementary.

Jeonghan thought it was weird to think he and Jihoon were once so close. He, Jihoon and Soonyoung were once the closest friends you could imagine. They said they were a tripod. They were each a leg and relied on each other. When Joshua moved over from America and joined their group, they said they upgraded to a table. Then they lost Soonyoung. They lost a leg. Jihoon removed himself.

Seungcheol didn’t see Jihoon for a while after their night in February. He wondered how he was doing. So one day he texted Jihoon to ask when he was free, and decided on an activity they could do.

He asked Jeonghan what Jihoon used to like doing, and he decided on an amusement park. Seungcheol had a fear for rollercoasters, but he would do anything to help make Jihoon happier. Jihoon didn’t want to go, but he was forced to. His apartment was filled with memories of Soonyoung and his miserable mood was triggered.

Seungcheol was a little taken aback by Jihoon’s mood when he climbed into his car. He was extra cold, extra bitter, extra sarcastic. He was a little quieter. It was more like the first time they met rather than the last time.

“Are you okay?” Seungcheol asked as he began to drive.

“Fantastic.” Jihoon said. Seungcheol sighed.

“What’s up?” He questioned the smaller boy. He noticed he had bags under his eyes. “Are you sleeping enough?”

“Yes, I am sleeping enough.” Jihoon lied. He had only slept for an hour that night, and hadn’t slept the night before.

“What’s wrong then?”

“As if I’d ever tell you.” Jihoon snapped. His chest hurt. It wasn’t his ribs. He knew where he was going. The whole place screamed Soonyoung at him. Seungcheol sighed. They had gone back to square one. They were making progress. Jihoon had seemed better.

“You really don’t wanna go, do you?” Seungcheol said.

“No.” His response made him raise an eyebrow. At least he was honest. He pulled over as soon as he could.

“What do you want do then?” Seungcheol turned as best as he could to face Jihoon. Jihoon shrugged and looked out of the car window.

“Nothing.”

Seungcheol huffed and set off driving again. He drove back to his place, dragging Jihoon out of the car. He told himself Jihoon was just having an off day. He pulled him into his backyard, where two bicycles stood at the back.

“See. I had a backup.” Seungcheol said.

“Fuck’s sake.” Jihoon muttered. “Why do you have two bikes anyway?”

“One’s older than the other. Also one’s a mountain bike and the other is a road bike, so basically both.” Seungcheol explained. He gave Jihoon the road bike. The boy took the helmet of the handle and set it on the garden table. A small part of him hoped that maybe he would crash and hit his head. Then maybe he’d hit his head hard enough to lose his memory. Then he wouldn’t remember Soonyoung.

“You have to wear a hel-”

“No.” Jihoon climbed onto the bike. Seungcheol snickered and lowered the seat for him. Jihoon scowled.

They cycled round some nearby fields. There was a gravelly path tracking along side them. Seungcheol regretted giving Jihoon the faster bike. He rode round at an alarming speed, in danger of falling. Seungcheol sped up at the one moment Jihoon slowed down so that he was ahead. He didn’t trust where Jihoon could be leading him and wanted to be sure they were safe.

He stopped abruptly when he heard a skid behind him. When he turned around, he saw Jihoon on the ground, looking at his hand. 

“Fuck, Jihoon, are you okay?” Seungcheol cycled over as fast as he could. Jihoon nodded, but his palm was bleeding. There was quite a bit of blood already.

“I’m okay.” Jihoon said blankly, nursing his hand. Seungcheol’s eyes widened when he saw the blood. He was incredibly squeamish over blood. One time he cut his finger and fainted at the sight of his bleeding wound. It was only a small cut. He quickly sat down, feeling dizzy.

“Scared of blood?” Jihoon teased. Seungcheol just nodded. “Wimp.”

“I am quite the wimp,” he agreed.

“What are you scared of?”

“Blood.Heights. Fireworks. Loud noises. Rollercoasters.”

“And you planned to take me to an amusement park when you have a fear of loud noises and rollercoasters?” Jihoon raised his eyebrows.

“I wanted to try make you happy.” Seungcheol said.

“No one can make me happy.” Jihoon told him. “Happiness is not a thing in my life anymore. Everything’s black and white. And I hope to God you don’t have to suffer from what happened to me.”

“W-what did happen?” Seungcheol asked. Jihoon was gazing into the distance. He looked aesthetic.

“That’s a story for another day.” Jihoon said. Seungcheol nodded. He didn’t want to force him to say anything he didn’t want to.

“What are you afraid of?” He chose to change the topic. Jihoon was silent for a little while. He stared at the blood on his hands. His heart stung.

“Guns.” He said. “Wounds around the lower stomach. Losing loved ones. Large crowds. Loud, sudden noises scare the absolute shit out of me.” Seungcheol nodded. He looked at Jihoon’s hand. He was covering it, being respectful of what made him squeamish and pass out.

“Is your hand okay?” Seungcheol asked softly. 

“Yeah. Let’s go.” Jihoon said. He noticed his knee was bleeding too. He had chosen to wear shorts again. “Don’t look at my knee, okay? I don’t want to have to care for you if you pass out.” Seungcheol chuckled and nodded.

Seungcheol gave Jihoon a box of plasters and cooked him a meal when they got back. Jihoon didn’t even eat half of it.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Seungcheol asked. Jihoon just shook his head. He was mildly confused for a second when his hair didn’t get in his eyes. “You’re so skinny, Hoon.”

“Am I?” Jihoon didn’t really look at his weight much.

“Yeah. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were severely underweight.” Seungcheol told him. “Eat up.” Jihoon shook his head again and pushed his plate back. The older boy gave up. 

To no one’s surprise, they watched more of Good Mythical Morning. They had gone through about three episodes before Seungcheol had fallen asleep. Jihoon walked himself home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok apologies for that mess its just a filler chapter???  
> i completely changed the ending from how i intended when starting this fic so it fucked up my creative flow a little so maybe the updates could slow down???? im very sorry but i will try my best to upload daily as normal
> 
> ive already written the last chapter, an epilogue and an extra bit at the end!!!!!!!! so this story will probably end at chapter 20?? idk  
> again, sorry that this chapters so shitty!! thanks for reading!!!


	15. Soonyoung

Once more, Jihoon was sat on the familiar window seat of his two friends’ home. Seungcheol had come over too, and so Jihoon made a point of being silent. Joshua tried to get him involved in the conversation, but he was just ignoring them and staring out the window. He had shut the door to the four walls around his heart to everyone now.

“Are you okay, Hoon?” Jeonghan asked eventually.

Suddenly he wanted to talk about it. He wanted to scream. He wanted to yell. He wanted to shout about how he really felt. He wanted someone to know. But all he could do was say, “I’m fine.”

Jeonghan nodded. Jihoon stared at the mantlepiece. He looked at the photos that stood boldly. One certain picture screamed at him. It pulled his eyes to it. He couldn’t look away. He saw two boys staring at the camera, smiling. They were so happy. Their arms were around each other.

“Oh, fudge,” Joshua said when he noticed Jihoon looking at it. “We forgot to take the photo down, Han.” He stood up to take the picture.

“Does Jihoon not like his face in photos?” Seungcheol queried.

“Well, not his face necessarily,” Joshua replied. He looked over at Jihoon. The two made eye contact. Jihoon held his arm out. The older boy walked closer and held out the picture uncertainly. Jihoon took it. He gently ran his thumb over Soonyoung’s cheek in the picture as he had done when he was dying in his arms. His eyes filled with tears.

“Who is he?” Seungcheol asked quietly. Jihoon sniffed.

“His name was Soonyoung.” He said weakly. “H-he was my boyfriend. He died in a shooting a couple of years ago.”

“Oh my god,” Seungcheol had not seen anything like it coming. “I’m so sorry.”

“He...he died bleeding out in my arms. The last thing he said was my name. But I could have saved him. I could have pushed him forwards, pulled him back. I put my arm behind him. I should have protected him from the front. I should have jumped in front of him. Then I’d be dead and he would still be here. I could have saved him. I _should _have saved him.” Jihoon was sobbing. Joshua held him close.__

__“It’s not your fault,” he said softly. “You didn’t know.”_ _

__“He didn’t want to go out that day. He wanted to stay in but I wanted to take him out,” Jihoon sobbed into Joshua’s chest, still holding the photo in his small, cold hands._ _

__“You didn’t know, Hoon. It was just a horrible coincidence,” Joshua whispered. Jihoon tried to say something else, but he was crying so much that he couldn’t even understand himself._ _

__Seungcheol was shocked. He suddenly understood why Jihoon was so miserable, why he was so bitter, why he was so cold, why he was so angry, why he was so reckless. He realised just how well Scrooge fit him. It was weird, but in a way, Scrooge was like a metaphor for the broken-hearted boy._ _

__He couldn’t help him. No one could help Lee Jihoon._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK I AM OUT OF INSPIRATION FOR THIS STORY  
> but it all fits with the ending, its fine!!!! i'll update again in a few hours because ive written everything else already, then at probably around 12pm GMT? and then a few hours after that and BOOM hshsh is finished
> 
> thank you for reading!!!


	16. The End

Jihoon had had enough. His world was black and white. He constantly felt sad and angry. He was lost in a dark tunnel and he couldn’t see the light at the end. He sat on his bed, staring at the pills that lay in his small, weak hands. This wasn’t going to fail this time. He was determined.

He took his glass of water from the bedside table. He tipped the edge to his cold, bitten lips and made sure he had a good mouthful. Then he tilted his head back and swallowed each of the pills. 

Jihoon changed into his favorite outfit - his white sweater with the yellow winking smiley, light yellow shorts, and knee high socks that matched his shorts. He slipped his feet into white converse and wrote a note. He left it on his bedside table. The boy lay down on he and Soonyoung’s bed. He was ready. This was what he wanted. 

Suddenly, he saw Soonyoung. He was smiling at him, perched on the end of the bed. Jihoon smiled too. He hadn’t smiled in three years. He felt relieved. He felt happy. Jeonghan and Joshua’s reactions were in the back of his mind. He continued to look at Soonyoung. 

“I’ll be with you soon, babe,” he whispered. “I love you, Soonyoung. It’s not an option to love you. It’s a necessity. I love you, Soonyoung.”

And those were Jihoon’s last words.

 

~~~

 

Joshua decided to come with Jeonghan to check up on Jihoon. He was worried about how Jihoon was doing. He wanted to see his face, no matter how glum and miserable it was.

“Hi Jihoon!” Jeonghan called out as he entered through the door. There was no answer. Normally Jihoon would grunt. He figured he was asleep.

Joshua looked round the place. It was tidy. He was expecting it to be messy. It always was. Maybe Jihoon was getting better. Joshua smiled.

Jeonghan wasn’t smiling. He had found Jihoon in his bedroom. It felt off. He was sleeping. But he was fully clothed in his favorite outfit, shoes and all. Jeonghan’s heart began to pound. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Something was wrong.

“Jihoon?” He said, his voice shaking. He kneeled onto the bed and shook him. His body was cold. Colder than usual. “Jihoon?” He repeated. He shook harder.

“Jihoon!” Jeonghan could feel his heart inside his throat. “Joshua! Jihoon’s…”

Joshua’s eyes widened and he ran in.

“Check for a pulse,” he whispered. Jeonghan hurriedly pressed two fingers to Jihoon’s wrist. Then his neck. Then he placed a hand on Jihoon’s chest. He held his ear close when he still couldn’t feel anything.

“Jihoon!” Jeonghan screamed out. Joshua looked round the room frantically. He saw the letter, clearly labelled “Jeonghan & Joshua”.

“There’s a note,” Joshua’s fingers shook as he took hold of the paper. He unfolded it. He tilted the paper so Jeonghan could read it too.

_Jeonghan and Joshua,_

_I know one of you will find me first. And I’m sorry. I can’t see a point in anything. Nothing has a point anymore. I don’t want to live. All I want is Soonyoung._

_I’m happy. Happy with dying. I know you won’t be happy about it. I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to understand._

_Thank you for caring for me. Thank you for checking up on me. Thank you for looking after me when I was sick over Christmas and when I attempted suicide the first time. Thank you for everything. I love you guys. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I really do. Thank you. I love you._

_Lee Jihoon ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'LL UPLOAD AN EPILOGUE VERY SOON THEN A LIL EXTRA THING AFTER THAT!!!
> 
> im sorry  
> this was a last minute change of plot  
> don't kill me


	17. Epilogue

Jeonghan and Joshua married. Two years later they adopted a baby boy named Soonyoung. He was beautiful and brought the couple so much joy. When Soonyoung was three years old, they adopted a second baby boy and called him Jihoon.

Seungcheol never married. He became a full time producer. Jihoon had left him his producing items in his will. He produced hit songs for artists such as BTS, EXO, BIGBANG, NCT-U and NCT-127 and lots more, both big and small artists of all sorts of genres. Soon his name was famous in the music industry.

The three of them each visited Jihoon’s grave regularly. Joshua always went to speak to him and Soonyoung, and often told them about a bad day at work before Jeonghan did. He told them about their children and how wonderful they were.

They were all happy. They missed Soonyoung and Jihoon, but they were happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONE LAST EXTRA THING IN LIKE 30 MINUTES OKIE


	18. An Alternative

“Soonyooooung! I want to take you out for lunch!” Jihoon pulled on his boyfriend’s arm. Soonyoung groaned.

“I wanna stay in and cuddle,” he said. When Jihoon protested, he pouted and looked into his beautiful, dark eyes. “Please, Hoonie? Stay in and cuddle?”

Jihoon stared back into Soonyoung’s thin, brown eyes. He couldn’t resist that face. His cheeks squished adorably and he just wanted to kiss those red lips.

“Fine, we can cuddle,” he gave in, and flopped onto the sofa next to the one he loved the most. Soonyoung smiled with glee and snuggled up to him. 

Later that night, they were still cuddled up on the couch and the TV was all that lit the room. The news had come on. The presenter was reporting a shooting. Jihoon was startled to hear that it was local.

“Holy shit,” Soonyoung whispered, his eyes wide. 

“I’m so glad you protested from going out.” Was all Jihoon could say. Soonyoung nodded.

“Me too. I don’t want you hurt, baby,” Soonyoung held his boyfriend close. “I feel so bad for the victims’ friends and families.”

 

Jihoon stood out on his balcony in the cold, December air. He wasn’t cold, though. A warm body was pressed against him lovingly. Jihoon always had cold hands. Soonyoung always had hot hands. Together, they were the perfect temperature. Jihoon took a deep breath.

“Kwon Soonyoung.” Jihoon turned to his boyfriend. “The best day of my life was the day I met you. I don’t think I’d be the same person without you. I would be grumpy and cold and bitter and sarcastic. But you filter the happiness into me, and I love you so much. I can try to put into words just how much I love you but it’s impossible. I love your eyes and how much they shine when you’re happy, and I love how you scrunch up your nose and cock your head to one side when you’re embarrassed or really flattered. And I love your voice - I could listen to it all day, whether it’s your singing or your talking. You’re so kind and patient and lovely and talented. There is not a thing I don’t love about you. So Soonyoung…” Jihoon got onto one knee. He pulled out a box from his pocket and opened it up to reveal a gorgeous, silver ring with a diamond like gem in the centre. “Will you marry me?”

Soonyoung had no doubts. He said yes immediately. They had their wedding a year and a half later on the 29th June 2017. Jeonghan was Jihoon’s best man. Joshua was Soonyoung’s. It was the best day of their life, and they danced beautifully to Paradise by NCT-127 and All About Us by He Is We during the reception. They both looked gorgeous in their white suits. Jihoon’s light brown hair was parted to the left. Soonyoung kept his blue hair over his forehead.

Two years later Soonyoung and Jihoon became good friends with Soonyoung’s new co-worker. His name was Seungcheol and he reminded Jihoon of a beagle. He had a weird thing for Connect 4 and introduced the married couple to a show called Good Mythical Morning. Seungcheol and Jihoon got along well. They had a lot in common. 

When Soonyoung hit twenty-six the two decided to adopt children. They named the beautiful baby boy Jisoo. Two years later they adopted a baby girl and named her Jeongsoo. They adored both children equally. The two grew up happy, and became close with each other as well as Joshua and Jeonghan’s three children, a boy and two girls. 

They were the perfect and the happiest family. Jihoon was glad he didn’t take Soonyoung out for lunch that day. He didn’t want a life without Soonyoung. Soonyoung was all he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and that's it.
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING AND LEAVING KUDOS AND COMMENTS I LOVE Y'ALL


	19. He Should Have Saved Him 2??

im going to start a hshsh series! i'm going to include soonhoon in their afterlife as well as jihan down on earth post-jihoons death, so if you are interested in reading that this book will be added into a series thingy so just check the series thingy!!  
idk what to name the second one yet but itll probs always be abbreviated as hshsh2


	20. If It Wasn't For Jeonghan and Joshua

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is for em, happy of the surprise,,

Jihoon had had enough. His world was black and white. He constantly felt sad and angry. He was lost in a dark tunnel and he couldn’t see the light at the end. He sat on his bed, staring at the pills that lay in his small, weak hands. This wasn’t going to fail this time. He was determined.

He took his glass of water from the bedside table. Looking at the drugs, he prepared to tip them into his mouth with the water, ending his life for once and for all. Joining Soonyoung. Finding happiness. When Jihoon thought of happiness, he thought of Soonyoung.

To Jihoon, happiness was cuddles on the couch with his boyfriend. It was romantic nights out and tickle fights on their bed. He was happy when Soonyoung was happy and he was happy when Soonyoung smiled. Happiness was the little things Soonyoung would do, like the note he still kept in his studio, from when he was sick. Jihoon had locked himself in his studio, not wanting to get his loved one ill too. Soonyoung knocked on the door and slid a piece of paper under the door.

“I don’t care if you’re sick. I’ll kiss you because you’re worth catching a cold over.” It was accompanied by a quick drawing of a box of tissues, and Jihoon had found it rather sweet.

“Jihoon, no!” 

Jeonghan took Jihoon’s hand, spilling the pills over the carpet. The smaller boy looked up at his friend, pleading with his eyes. It broke Jeonghan’s heart.

“Jeonghan, please,” he whispered. Jeonghan shook his head and wrapped his arms around him. He couldn’t bear to lose him. He wasn’t losing him.

“Is everything okay?” Joshua’s voice made Jihoon jump. Jeonghan felt his little, skinny body jolt and began to rub his back. Joshua took in the scene that was unfolding, spying the ten, eleven, twelve, more pills that scattered the floor. He quickly he understood. And he understood that Jihoon certainly wasn’t taking any chances of life.

 

If it hadn’t been for Jeonghan and Joshua, Jihoon wouldn’t be stood in the park. He wouldn’t be surrounded by pink cherry blossom trees on the twenty fourth of August, 2021. Two years after attempting suicide. He wouldn’t have his hand in one warmer and larger than his. He wouldn’t have someone’s pink, plump lips on his.

Seungcheol pulled apart, much to Jihoon’s disappointment. A smile was painted on as if his skin was a caramel colored canvas. Jihoon’s heart fluttered. He was happy. He was in love. Soonyoung was in the back of his mind. If it wasn’t for Jeonghan and Joshua, Jihoon wouldn’t be on that date and saying yes to becoming Seungcheol’s boyfriend.

If it wasn’t for Jeonghan and Joshua, Jihoon wouldn’t be in a warm home in a warm bed on a cold night with a man with a warm body that radiated off of him and heated up Jihoon’s small body, pressed against each other, their legs tangled up and sheets thrown over them. Seungcheol kissed his fiance’s forehead and smiled.

“I love you, Jihoon,” he told him.

“I love you too,” Jihoon mumbled truthfully, already half asleep. If it wasn’t for Jeonghan and Joshua, he wouldn’t be cosily snuggled up to his gorgeous fiance.

If it wasn’t for Jeonghan and Joshua, he wouldn’t be sat beneath a tree, with a book in his lap that he wasn’t reading. Instead he was watching his husband blow raspberries into his giggling baby boy’s around tummy, a beautiful image of father and son in the park. Jihoon took out his phone and snapped a picture.

If it wasn’t for Jeonghan and Joshua, Jihoon wouldn’t have his three year old son Jisoo cuddled up to his side, reading him a bedtime story as his baby girl Jeongsoo grizzled in his arms. Seungcheol watched his husband and children with a loving look in his eye. He took a picture on his phone, happy to be able to look back on it later on.

If it wasn’t for Jeonghan and Joshua, Jihoon wouldn’t be happy.


End file.
